Pride and Pee

Today we went to pride. It was too hot to wade through the booths, consider 500 different pride stickers and collect our free pens from real estate agents and banks, but we did watch the parade. It was fun to be among The Gays and their agendas for a few hours. We don’t have many queer friends here or much of a community that we’re a part of so it’s nice to soak in some of the gayness at pride. All the politicians and corporate groups are boring but I’m a sucker for a big PFLAG group or a high school queer alliance.

It would be nice if we were part of a queer community. Outside of checkins with my boss, I come up a little short. There is a big group of lesbian moms that we’ve met once. They do lots of things with their kids around the city and I hope we can be a part of that community one day soon. We’re welcome to go to their meetings now but it feels a little funny so we’ll wait until there’s a little sapling, peanut, clementine or sweet pea.

We’ve ordered up 2 new sperm analyses for Sage but we might get one insemination in this cycle before he tests. He and his partner are getting home Monday from a trip and if their plane isn’t delayed they should have time to pop some goods in the mail to us. Tuesday’s the last day such goods would be useful so we’re hoping they can send it. Fern has some great fertility signs going on right now. We started experimenting with OPKs last month. We hadn’t bothered before because fresh doesn’t need to be so precise. But I figured if we could obsess over one more detail we might as well. I bought some cheapie OPKs on the internet and they didn’t work at all last month. We bought CB and 1st Responz in a proper store this month and they’re working better. CB showed a probable surge this evening and FR will probably show one tomorrow. Which one’s right? Who knows! But at least they’re showing a surge.

Fern has peed on a lot of HPTs but this is her first experience peeing in a cup. Last night she peed in the cup (plenty of volume, mind) and then dropped the cup. It was Pee Fest 2008. Luckily it mostly fell on the wood floor and, hey, urine’s sterile. It was pretty funny. We ended up testing really late so she could build up more pee for the tests.

I hope everyone had a good weekend! Did you drop any bodily fluids or do anything else fun?

 

WordPress annoyingness

WordPress users: you know that annoying “possibly related posts” feature that popped up a few months ago?  The one that scans your post content and at the bottom of your post recommends links to other posts that are never actually related?  I turned mine off and it occurred to me some of you might like to know how to turn yours off too.  If you do, you just have to go to your administrative area ~ Design ~ Extras and check “Hide Related Links…” and then update.

I think the box you check is misleading.  It says, “Hide related links on this blog, which means this blog won’t show up on other blogs or get traffic that way,” which sounds really scary and like no one will be able to link to or search and find your blog again.  But all it really means is you won’t display those links and you won’t be displayed in other bloggers’ “possibly related posts.”

 

Child Free and *!&$ You!

This morning am@zon recommended this item to me:

Yeah, you can bite me, amozone! Now maybe if the shirt said, “Child Free and Whining About It!,” I might consider it but they got their recommendation formula wrong.

In other news, I was at an INCREDIBLY boring meeting on Monday sitting all the way in the back, out of sight. Doing math in my head always helps me stay awake so I started calculating due dates (like calendar watching without a calendar!). I grabbed some paper and wrote down all the possible due dates from now until the end of 2009 if Fern averages a 26 days cycle. I was comforted to find that we have 10-11 more tries before we’re looking at a ‘10 baby. That’s a lot of trying and though it’s no guarantee, it seems pretty likely that one of those 10-11 tries will work. That would be 17-18 tries total which is significantly more than the ‘up to 12 months that it can take even the healthiest straight couples.’ I was surprised all this was a comfort but it did help me relax a little

I think it’s comforting because it proves somehow that I’ve got a bit of time and, in general, I’m afraid of time slipping away from me. I’m afraid of waking up one day permanently stuck in TTC wondering where the years have gone. I’m very, very afraid of being lapped. I mean, in the months we’ve been trying people I know on the internet have gotten pregnant on fewer tries, that’s just going to happen. But I’m mostly worried about all the various ticking time bombs in my life, most notably, my boss. She is a lesbian and has just started TTCing herself. I found out when she posted to a local board. I told her about us, I know about her, but it’s our little secret. She’s going a much more medical, aggressive route than us (she was considering skipping IUIs altogether and going straight to IVF for the first try though I don’t think she decided to do that) and I’m really worried that she’s going to get pregnant after a couple tries, have a healthy pregnancy, announce it to the staff, take maternity leave and get lots of (all the) attention all while we’re still trying and nobody even knows. Then my straight coworker who is going to start trying with his wife after they buy their house will casually have sex one day, get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, annouce it to the staff, take paternity leave and get lots of (all the) attention all while we’re still, still trying and nobody even knows.

There are people I know who want to try to have a baby in a couple of years and I’m afraid they’ll beat us. It’s a quiet, nervous panic that sits low in my stomach all the time. I’m a competitive person. No two ways about it.

 

Happy Day!

Today is our 2 year wedding anniversary!  I just couldn’t love Fern anymore than I do.  But I’m sure I’ll somehow love her more tomorrow.  We had a lovely picnic this weekend complete with illegal wine in the park and home-dipped chocolate covered strawberries.  We made avocado sandwiches which is one of the first picnic meals we ever had together back in 1999 in a random field by the road somewhere in southern Vermont.

I love having two anniversaries.  We refuse to give up the anniversary of when we got together (in January) because it’s been 9.5 years and we don’t want to forfeit that hard-earned time to the wedding machine.  It’s really nice to have a winter and a summer day.  We went to a snuggly b&b in the freezing snow in January.

It’s also Nutella and Strawberry’s 2 year wedding anniversary!

 

Playing the game

Fern got her period yesterday quite early (24 day cycle - wtf?). At least we didn’t have to wait around for it to show up. Her acupuncturist is working on lengthening her cycle but this was just crazy short. The acupuncturist thought that Sage’s SA wasn’t so hot but we’re waiting for the other tests before we decide what to do. Even though all this news came yesterday I didn’t take it as badly as I could have. I don’t think Fern did either. I wasn’t holding on to too much hope for this cycle and Fern has a reliable temp drop on the day of her period so we did have a few hours warning. Right now I just feel a bit like we thought we were playing the game for the last 7 tries but we weren’t even on the field. That’s the extent of my sports metaphors. How about a board game metaphor? It’s like when you’re 5 and you’re playing along with the family at a game of “sorry.” You think you’re doing just dandy until you realize that they’ve all been letting you get ahead or win. You thought you were playing the same game but, no.

Today is the day that my father died many, many years ago. 22 years. I was 8. I don’t feel overwhelmingly sad, just reflective. Over the last few years I’ve come to realize just how young I was at age 8. The death of my father, papa, was devastating and it had a very sobering effect on my childhood. Not that I never laughed or played games again, but it definitely cast a long shadow and caused a lot of problems that I didn’t attribute to his death until years later.

From the age of 8 to probably my mid-twenties I was under the misguided impression that I had been more or less grown up since age 8 - that I had an adult’s understanding of the world and my life and that I had Everything Under Control. It wasn’t until a therapist in grad school told me I was participating in an elaborate, life-long coping mechanism that I realized I had been fooling myself. Then it became more clear all the many ways that that event had shaped my life. Not all the ways are bad, actually - his death is just thoroughly enmeshed in my very being; it changed everything or has influenced everything. My mom recently said to me that I never would have met Fern if my father hadn’t died and that’s probably true because, for a series of reasons and decisions, I wouldn’t have gone to the same college, I’m almost sure. It’s hard to call that a good or a bad thing. I mean, I wish my father hadn’t died, yes. But I hate to think of my life without Fern, no! There’s a reason these things aren’t decisions for one to make - it’s just the good and the bad of the tangle of life.

This is me at 8 in my class picture (note the mom-made haircut). Do I look grownup?

Sorry for the crappy picture-of-a-picture quality. I don’t have a scanner at work.

I unfortunately don’t have too many real memories of my father or I can’t remember which ones are real and which ones someone else told me. He was a quiet, kind man, this much I remember. He liked bananas, black coffee, peanuts and raisins and carrot cake. He baked fresh bread every week or two using a giant, hand cranked mixer (non-electric) that sat on a special stool my mom got him for christmas. He wasn’t a builder by trade but he made a lot of things including whole houses with his hands. He always had a wood shop no matter where we lived and I still associate the smell of saw dust with him. He built me and my brother a wooden swing and pushed us waaaaay higher than my mom was comfortable with. Every night at bed we had a hugging contest to see who could squeeze the tightest (it was called, “tights”). I always won but in this case I wasn’t sad when I realized, years later mind you, that I probably wasn’t stronger than a grown man and he probably let me win.

I grabbed this picture really quickly this morning. It’s not the best one I’ve got, but this is the two of us probably in 1978 or 79.

 

Bad ideas

When we first started planning for TTC, I read Rainbow Conecptions a lot. Since starting my blog I’ve used the site less but I still try to check in at least once a week and post our updates. The TTC board has been a little quiet lately - it seems like there aren’t many people TTCing or posting about it. So yesterday I went over to the New Babies board (which I don’t usually read) and clicked on a new arrival thread. Almost all the replies were authored by people who used to post on the TTC side. I had sort of forgotten about a bunch of them even though I could remember each of their BFPs. Or I had forgotten there were so many of them. So, so many. Obviously this is a good thing - lots of people getting pregnant, that’s good. On certain days this probably would have cheered me up a little. Afterall, a lot of these women were trying for longer than we have been and some had miscarriages and endured a lot of pain before getting pregnant but they were still pregnant. If they did it, we can do it! But yesterday I was mostly jealous. I didn’t feel like they were paving the road for me and others but that they were in a cool club that I’m not a part of. And it’s nothing against any of these women personally, it’s just some days pregnancy and motherhood seems so far awy.

I read a lot of parent and pregnancy blogs - not just TTC - but somehow reading stories one by one of pregnancies doesn’t affect me like this. Seeing two pages of comments each with pictures of pregnant bellies, kids or pregnancy tickers in the signature line was kind of discouraging. I don’t think I should go to the New Babies board anymore.

I’m sure this feels more impossible now because we are essentially out this cycle. Fern even had a beer at a BBQ this weekend. Why deny a small pleasure for the sake of astronomical odds? It’s not just this cycle I’m discouraged about either. I haven’t been able to post for a bit because I’ve been feeling a little panicky lately. Fern and I established a plan of action that makes me feel calmer but we got some bad news and it’s hard to process.

Back in the fall we had Sage get a sperm analysis at his doctors office as well as STD tests. We didn’t get a copy of the SA but Sage got a phone report from his doctor’s office that went like this: “Your sperm count is great! Your motility is a little low but it’s nothing to worry about. You should have no problem getting someone pregnant.” At the time we were a little concerned that the report back seemed like it might be about getting someone pregnant through sex and not donations but we didn’t dwell on it. We asked Sage to get us a copy but he never did and we dropped it.

Fast forward to now. Fern’s accupuncturist said she could perscribe Sage some supplements for fertility and wanted to see his sperm analysis to make good recommendations. Sage’s partner got us the report (which, it turns out, they’ve had since the fall but never gave to us which is annoying but I’m not going to think about that - the two of them have some major procrastination issues). We’re not 100% sure what all the numbers mean but it looks to me like the analysis is actually pretty bad. Sages’s count is good but it looks like his motility is crap which basically means that his sperm is useless. The cover letter from the doctor’s office makes me so angry. It says that his sperm count is the most important factor (it’s not, motility is) and he shouldn’t worry about the motility. I can’t blame Sage for not flagging the analysis for us because the nurse who wrote the cover letter basically said it’s totally fine even though it says at the top, “abnormal.” If I think about it too hard, I get very angry.

So where the fuck to go from here? Well, we are getting the shipped analysis done and we’re going to ask Sage to get another in-person analysis done too. Afterall, this last one was done 8 months ago and he has made some changes like switching to boxers and taking daily vitamins. Plus, the big, yellow book says the first thing you should do if you get a bad analysis is to retake it. So we’re starting there. If the flown sperm numbers are horrible, we’re going to stop shipping the sperm and start shipping Fern or Sage. We’re going to get the accupunturist’s take on it and see if she thinks she can help with supplements (she speacializes in female and male fertility and has a lot of experience).

These things are a good start but I’m really, really worried that the sperm is no good and won’t get better. If that turns out to be the case we’ll be kind of screwed. We can’t really afford frozen sperm. Also, using a known donor is something that has always been important to us so we’re resistant to switching to frozen. But we don’t really know any other men who we would want to ask. We especially don’t know anyone where we live which is significant because I don’t know if I could do the mailing thing again unless the donor had the most amazing sperm in the history of the world.

So we’re waiting right now. Fern’s going to talk to Sage about the test results. She’s going to tell him that they’re not good and the nurse was misleading and that we’ll need him to really get on board with the supplements etc. if we are going to keep using him. If we do start him on supplements and other changes they could take 3 months to start kicking in, according to Yellow Book, so I don’t know where that leaves us for the summer. Do we keep trying with subfertile sperm? Do we take a break? The thought of taking a break makes my throat tense up. But the thought of going through pointless tries isn’t too relaxing either. I feel like our baby is so far out of reach right now.

 

Obsessed

I’m obsessed with TTC, this is true.  But you know what else I’m obsessed with?  Blog stats!  I look at that wordpress stats page a million times a day.  There, I said it.  I care about numbers.  It’s not that my numbers are terribly high, I just like to ensure that they keep steadily rising.  It’s possible that I’ve even posted an entry in the past so that I could boost my numbers for the day to top my “busiest day ever.”  I’m not proud, but it’s just a part of who I am.

I don’t fully understand what counts as a page hit, though.  Can someone explain?  For example, I know I get a hit every time someone visits a post but what about when they open them in their bloglines or google reader?  Do those count as hits or only if they click on the post and come on over?  Do any of you use other stat counters?  I used Site Meter before but it gave me really weird readings so I took it down.  What are the stats pages like for non-wordpress platforms?

PS: I swear I’m not posting this post to boost my stats, they’re not high enough for today to push me to BDE status by midnight GMT.

 

Stubborn, grumpy optimist

Ok, I feel a little less crazy today, a little more like I’m wrapped in a delicious, delicate candy shell and won’t melt all over the table for now. Thank you for your kind words yesterday - I was definitely comforted by your support. Pizza, a brownie and a good night’s sleep also helped, I think.

Sage is still sick so we’re not going to get the donation tomorrow that would have been way late anyway but I secretly thought would be the magical insemination that made Fern pregnant despite the random timing and would provide a story that I could retell countless times and exclaim, “you’ll never believe this, he was sick so we inseminated late but really it was perfect,” to an astonished audience while we patted Fern’s pregnant belly or held our little baby. Well, there’s maybe a 3% chance of getting the magical donation but I think I need to move on.

An interesting thing I started to realize yesterday is that I really want to be an optimist about this process. At one point towards the end of a TWW a few tries ago it wasn’t looking good and I told Fern that I didn’t think it would work and I never think it will work (grumble, glower). That’s how I felt at the time sitting in the bottom of my little pity hole. But I think that’s wrong; I don’t always think it will fail. I know this because I’m not willing to call this whole cycle a wash. I know logically and I can declare loudly that we’re out because the only insemination we did was too early and we didn’t get our later ones and boo hoo. But WE PUT SPERM INSIDE FERN. In fact, I pushed the syringe. I saw the sperm and put it in the syringe and put it up there. And it was too early but there’s a tiny possibility that it could work and I’m not willing to let go of that…or not capable of it. Not until I have better reason to.

Grumpy optimist, maybe that’s what I am. Stubborn, internal optimist who uses pessimism as armor. How about that? Whatever it is, I’m still scooping the litter box on my own because this is try #7 and we’re in the TWW, dammit.

 

Fragile

Complainy post in which I feel sorry for myself.  You’ve been warned.

Ugh. That’s where I’m at today. Ugh-ity-ugh-blah.

Our donor is SICK. Sicker than he’s been in ages. Sick, sick, can’t jerk off, sick. And I’m sad. Here’s what’s happened. Thursday was CD10 and we inseminated in the morning as usual though it was really a little early. We were supposed to get another go on Saturday but Sage got sick Friday and they didn’t send the donation. His wife took off on Saturday to visit us and we thought she could bring some sperm with her but Sage was even sicker on Saturday. Poor Sage couldn’t even sit up. We thought we’d give it a go with a slightly later insemination and mail today for a Tuesday AM insem (no delivery on Sundays or Mondays because no shipping on Sundays) but now it’s looking like Sage is still too sick.

I was actually getting excited about the Tuesday insem plan because I think we’ve be inseminating too early some months. Sometimes Fern ovulates as early as CD11 so we got in the habit of inseminating on days 10 and 12. But more often she ovulates around day 14. Since it’s mailed fresh sperm I’m not sure it lives as long as regular fresh (in fact, I’m sure it doesn’t) so it’s possible we’ve been missing the window some months.

The first insemination was almost certainly too early since we don’t think Fern’s ovulated yet so if we don’t get another try this month then we’re out before we were in. When Fern was g-chatting with me this morning and said she assumed Sage wasn’t going to mail us anything today it felt like the bottom just fell out. I resisted crying because I’m at work but I instantly just felt deflated and out of energy. Trying and failing is hard enough but not being able to try is horrible. I’m sick of being stuck here. Something like Fern saying she thinks we won’t get the sperm tomorrow but hasn’t confirmed this yet sends my whole mood off a cliff.  I’m usually a practical, grounded person but this process is like being naked on a mountain. Any slight weather change affects me dramatically and physically. I’m fragile and I’m lacking proper defenses. I don’t like it.  I’m pissed but there’s no one to be pissed at. So where do I go from here?

 

Tested

This weekend one of the rulers (Oprah? God? Ty? Dido?) to whom I sent last week’s baby plea sent me and Fern a challenge.  If you remember we promised not to think bad thoughts about pregnant women in exchange for a baby.  At the wedding of our dear friends we encountered more than a pregnant woman, we encountered a pregnant woman who herself was full of hate.  Our friend who was getting married, L, has a brother who is the kind of Christian who thinks himself superior to non-Christians or non-like-him-Christians.  L warned us in advance that of all the people at the wedding her brother’s wife was the only one she was worried about being outwardly hostile to us.  She does not like homosexuals.  In fact, she doesn’t even like straight people who live together before marriage and suggested to L’s brother that they stop talking to L and her husband when they moved in together and were living in sin.

What else do I know about the sister in law?  She’s about 22 years old and she announced her brand new pregnancy the night before the wedding.  As family and friends arrived at the wedding she and her husband shared their news.  I overheard someone asking how far along she was and she said, “oh, I’m not sure exactly, about 6 weeks or so.”

Do you see how complicated this challenge is?  I was faced with a homophobic, young woman who uses her religion to judge others and who didn’t even know how far along in her pregnancy she was.  Fern and I were relieved that she wasn’t openly hostile to us - she did her best to ignore us all weekend and there was no drama.  But I’m not sure I succeeded in holding back all negativity in my head.  I thought it was an interesting exercise, though, and I did my best to not take her pregnancy as an insult.  I tried to think about how her pregnancy doesn’t mean that there are fewer pregnancies left for the rest of us.  As Rachel was just saying in her blog, no one deserves this and no one doesn’t deserve it - it’s just luck.  And I do think we’ll have our lucky day one day too.  I’m not sure I’ll become an all-loving, happy, altruistic TTCer, but it was nice to try to reframe my thinking a little at least for a weekend.

So, tomorrow’s the start of try #7.  Right now there’s some sperm flying over the US and it will hopefully be at our door by 8am Thursday.  We’re doing an insem tomorrow and one on Saturday.  I’m hoping for lucky #7.