July 17, 2008
Tonight we start our 8th cycle of trying - it will be the first insemination of 2 or 3 for this round. On Tuesday we packed Fern up with OPKs, a needleless syringe and our dreams. She’s full of fertility tea, yoga practice, flax oil, vitamins and is ready for tonight. Here at home it’s hot and still and I’m a little more anxious than usual. I really hope this goes well.
Over the weekend we found the perfect e-card for Sage after he got his good SA back. Check it out:
July 14, 2008
I was in a work training all day today without internet access so I’m behind in my blog reading/commenting. I’ll be there tomorrow too - boo.
We’re still both thrilled by Sage’s sperm analysis. Fern’s packing up and heading to Spermville tomorrow night (Vee, you’re right, there should be discount tickets there for lesbians…or some kind of secret express train like in Harry P*otter). I feel like Fern and I are excited about this cycle in a way we haven’t been in several months. I know it could very well fail like all the others but we’re both just breathing a sigh of relief that, as far as we know, everything’s ok right now. We haven’t really believed everything to be ok in quite some time and that makes it hard to believe that things could work. We had a random conversation over the weekend about who we’d tell and when if we got pregnant. We haven’t had one of those conversations in ages. Hope, you sticky, intoxicating nectar, you’ve come back to us. Please don’t be a dick.
After getting the results on Saturday morning we went on to have a glorious and oddly lucky day. Here are the highlights, in bullet form.
*Since Fern and I already have ipods I was thinking of giving this one to the IVP/UTERUS fundraising efforts. Does anyone know if there will be more auctions in the future or if the first one is on-going?
July 12, 2008
We just got a call from Sage and Moss and the State of the Sperm is in. What we got looks really good and I am bouncing excited and filled with renewed hope. Sperm Confirm (the company that did the analysis) seems a little basic which is annoying. They mention in the cover letter that morphology is the most important indicator but that they didn’t test for that….what??! How aggravating. But Sage is going to get the morphology done when he does his doctor’s office test. For now we can just smile over these numbers:
Volume: 6.0 ml
Sperm count: 105.1 m/ml
Motility: 77%
Last fall the count was 75mil and the motility was 20%!!! I can’t believe the turnaround. The volume is false because it includes the buffer fluid so I’m not sure why it’s in the results (another reason sperm confirm seems a little unreliable). But I don’t care - I’m so happy. Since the last test Sage has switched from briefs to boxers, cut his caffeine consumption in half and started taking a multi-vitamin. I guess that all paid off! I’m definitely excited but I’m still holding out for the morphology before I move on to unbridled excitement. He’ll do the second SA in two weeks after Fern’s visit.
I’m off to take a walk and smile some more. For now, here is the wordle art for my blog that Cali posted about. It’s a cool program and I spent a long time playing with it last night. Do I really say “really” that much? I think the “now want sperm” is appropriate. Have a great weekend, everyone!
July 9, 2008
I took an extra day off on Monday and made a four day weekend. Two of our good friends from my grad school days came to visit and we had a great time. It was very relaxing - these are two of the most considerate, polite guests and the most go-with-the-flow (but not in an annoying way) people. We spent our days in bookstores, restaurants and parks and then went for an overnight to a KOA cabin. It was very relaxing and just what I needed.
Too bad the peace was interrupted on Monday night when a pair of young raccoons broke into our house through a bad screen! We discovered the critters around 11pm (after mistaking their romps upstairs for the cats playing for maybe an hour) and then lost hours fretting and waiting for animal control to come (bless that brave, brave officer who shooed them out the window and sealed up the upstairs). When we finally got to bed, sleep was sketchy at best. Even though we had every window in the house closed up I still dreamed of furry little creatures munching my face. It didn’t help when our cat, Francine, bit my foot around 3am. Let’s just say this, I grew up in the country but I have grown accustomed to city living. I like short walks to the coffee shop and knowing every living party in my house at all times.
In less terrifying news, I’m feeling pretty good today because we made a plan last night. Sage sent his sperm to be analyzed on Monday, as promised. I was really pleased he sent it on Monday - I think I would have lost a lot of faith if they had put it off again. Today is CD3 so since we probably won’t have the SA results back in time to make a reasoned decision about this cycle, we threw caution to the wind (or more like money to the wind) and bought Fern a plane ticket last night. From the 16th to the 20th she’ll be in Spermville, USA.
Once again I’m sad that I won’t be going with but I’ll manage. The whole thing is a bit of a gamble, really, since we haven’t yet heard the State of the Sperm address and the tickets cost a lot of money since it’s such short notice. But I think it’s worth the price to finally be IN for a cycle. I want to obsess over TWW signs and feel like we’re still in the game. Raccoons willing, this will be our cycle.
July 2, 2008
Moss is Sage’s partner’s new name! Travelher voted for it and Fern liked Moss or Jade so it’s settled.
Speaking of Sage, he didn’t mail the goods today meaning we’re looking at next week at best for the results. I’m frustrated but I’m trying to breathe deeply and relax since there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s about to be a long weekend and I should just concentrate on that.
Fern had a very interesting goooooogle chat with him this morning in which he told her that we shouldn’t go through Moss when we want stuff but tell him directly. This is good information and maybe indicates that we haven’t been communicating with them as well as we thought we were. I was pretty surprised that he brought it up and wonder if he’s been annoyed by us talking to Moss. He’s not worried about her knowing this stuff or anything but he said we should tell him straight out what he should do and how urgent it is. So Fern said we want the mailed and local tests ASAP and he said he’d get right on it. Now to be fair to us, we have told them how important this is and they’ve had the testing kit in house for enough time that they could have figured out that they should use it. But it definitely does seem like for whatever reason Sage is renewing his commitment to take this seriously (or at least to get going on it) and I’ll take it. We’ll see how this plays out. Fern isn’t hopeful that this means that it will all be cherries from here on.
Did I ever mention that Sage and Fern dated for 4 years in high school and college? Fern has a long history of Sage analysis under her belt and the two of them have ages old patterns, habits and ways of dealing with each other that they’ve been developing since teenagerhood. It adds to the complications (they are sometimes very sibling-like) but it also adds to the commitment. Fern and Sage have known each other for close to 20 years and Sage was one of the first of Fern’s friends I met when we started dating over nine years ago. Sage’s parents died when he was a teenager and so he’s basically been a member of Fern’s family ever since. He and now Moss are at every T-giving, Xmas and birthday at Fern’s parents’ house (more than we are these days since they live close by and we’re thousands of miles away). Fern’s mom walked him down the aisle at his wedding. He is in no small way already a part of our family and always will be. And that’s a comfort because remembering that firms my resolve to try to make this work with Sage and it makes it seem like it will be ok if it doesn’t. Sage and Moss will be our child’s uncle and aunt whether or not Sage’s sperm has anything to do with that child’s conception. No other sperm donor could ever be as important to us. So, we’ll see what happens next.
July 1, 2008
We love Sage and his partner (she should have a blog name too, I’ll think on that…Mint? Jade? Moss? Lime? anything sound good? It needs to be a green color name to fit the pattern), however, sometimes they make the crazy go off in my head. Right now it’s like a low boil in there and I just hope it doesn’t boil over onto the floor.
Sage is a funny, kind, generous person. He is also disorganized and horrible with follow through. He won’t do things unless repeatedly prompted. He also has somewhat bad self esteem so one really doesn’t want to say something that would hurt his feelings.
His partner is a funny, kind, generous person. She is also disorganized and horrible with follow through. She won’t do things unless repeatedly prompted. She is inclined to feel like she holds the weight of the world on her shoulders. One really doesn’t want to say something that would make her stressed out because she will wind tight and start to feel guilty/under-appreciated.
It’s complicated. They are some of our best friends, but Oprah help me, this donor relationship isn’t bringing out my love for them. Not right now anyway.
I ordered the sperm confirm kit over two weeks ago. The stupid company waited a week to send it (don’t know why) and it finally arrived at Sage’s a week ago Friday. They can send the test any day Mon-Thursday but didn’t send it all last week. We asked them over the weekend and they said they’d send it Monday. Fern talked to Sage’s partner this morning and she said they now plan to send it tomorrow. With the 3 day weekend coming up we’re not going to get the results back for ages (they friggin mail them). And I don’t even know when they’re going to get the doctor’s office local test done…I was hoping last week.
Anyway, we’re really struggling with how to talk to them about this right now. Fern was having a hard time saying, “oh, that’s ok, send it tomorrow” when she was really like, “we’re fucking freaking out here and we need the results now!” But if she or I expressed this kind of urgency it would send Sage’s partner into a guilt attack. We’re dealing with re-testing logistics through her because Sage had anxiety about his potentially low sperm numbers and we’re trying to protect his feelings by not talking about it too much with him since he’s embarrassed. It’s all. so. complicated. We have to walk on eggshells with them because we don’t want to add stress to their lives especially when they’re obviously doing us a huge favor. Plus, we’re worried that if we freaked out it would somehow backfire and they’d procrastinate even more.
But I wish they could just do two things without the reminders from us and do them right away without the weeks of procrastination. I mean, we really need to make a plan here - we’re just in limbo. Are we inseminating next month? Who knows! If we can’t use Sage we’d like to be making new plans with another donor or a bank. We’ve never really told them that we wouldn’t use Sage anymore if the numbers were bad but maybe we should. Maybe it would hurry them up. I was just hoping to find out more information before we would have to have that conversation.
We want to use a known donor, we really do, but I am very attracted to mail-order frozen sperm right now. It sounds so expensively easy. I’ve already made a sperm bank costs spread sheet and I also spend my days reexamining every man I know for donor potential. It’s the only thing I know how to do right now.
Sorry about the long rant. One thing that is very happy right now is Vee and Jay’s second line PREGNANT digital hpt. Congratulations, you two! I’m so happy for you.
June 30, 2008
Sage is planning to send off the sperm confirm kit today for testing and hopefully schedule the local SA too. I’ve been feeling very anxious and a little grumpy lately. I just want to get on with this. I want the tests done so we can make a decision about our next steps. I feel a little better knowing we could have the sperm confirm results by tomorrow or Wednesday. Progress.
I’m totally biting my fingernails for Vee and Jay today too. Make sure you cross some fingers or toes for them.
June 25, 2008
I just updated by blog roll - it’s pretty big now. I used to go looking for new blogs to read every week or so but I haven’t been doing that as much since my numbers have gotten higher and I really, really should get some work done. If someone new leaves me a comment then I’ll start reading their blog and very occasionally I’ll click on a comment in someone else’s blog and start reading that way. But sometimes I get overwhelmed by all that is out there. I think the blogs I read are totally the coolest blogs ever and I dig my group of internet friends (also, as a side note, I was delighted to see how many of you were willing to engage in poop punnery when you commented on my “Craptastic” post a couple of days ago - kudos!). But I notice each of your blog rolls list all sorts of other blogs that I don’t read. And then, because I’m a little obsessive, I start to worry that I’m missing out on some cool person with their cool blog.
So, if you’ve got a second, can you glance at my blog roll and see if I’ve listed your favorite blog or two? Is there anyone super great that I’m missing? Or, do you read my blog and not see your name listed? I’d love to know who you are but I totally understand if you don’t want to comment. I lurked for a long time before I got this blog and I still lurk on a few blogs to this day.
June 24, 2008
I’ve been trying to come up with a punch line for my own shit plane joke and have been circling around the butterfly effect in my head all day. The one-liner I’ve come up with goes something like this: one butterfly’s poop can change the course of history.
[Sorry my blog has gotten a little scatological the last couple of days. I can't promise I'll stop but I hope to one day.]
I can’t help but think about all the tiny things that led up to Sage’s aircraft’s toilets clogging, overflowing and the plane delay that delayed our sperm. The sperm that might have made Fern pregnant (her signs were right on the money) and resulted in a genius child who would one day write a series of revolutionary pamphlets that would strengthen the resolve of bands of radicals who would come together and eventually overthrow capitalism in the US thus forever changing the course of history. And we could really do without capitalism too!
According to Peter Dizikes, a science journalist who writes for the Boston Globe, however, I’ve got it wrong. In his article, “The meaning of the butterfly: Why pop culture loves the ‘butterfly effect,’ and gets it totally wrong,” he says that the butterfly effect isn’t about tracing particular events to pivotal moments it’s about how completely random the world is. Because every event can be changed by the tiniest, seemingly unrelated thing, there’s no way to really predict what’s going to happen. We are shaped by so many seen and unseen events you’d go crazy trying to make sense out of them. This doesn’t go a long way towards offering me comfort but I guess it’s not something I didn’t already know.
A meteorologist, Edward Lorenz, came up with the Butterfly Effect theory. Dizikes explains the theory:
The “innumerable” interconnections of nature, Lorenz noted, mean a butterfly’s flap could cause a tornado - or, for all we know, could prevent one. Similarly, should we make even a tiny alteration to nature, “we shall never know what would have happened if we had not disturbed it,” since subsequent changes are too complex and entangled to restore a previous state.
He continues to discuss the radically unpredictability of the world. I struggle a lot against this radical unpredictability of life when it comes to baby making. Dizikes says I’m not alone (I love the way he phrases this):
That we imagine the butterfly effect would explain things in everyday life, however, reveals more than an overeager impulse to validate ideas through science. It speaks to our larger expectation that the world should be comprehensible - that everything happens for a reason, and that we can pinpoint all those reasons, however small they may be. But nature itself defies this expectation. It is probability, not certain cause and effect, that now dictates how scientists understand many systems, from subatomic particles to storms. “People grasp that small things can make a big difference,” [Kerry] Emanuel [professor in the department of earth, atmospheric, and planetary sciences at MIT] says. “But they make errors about the physical world. People want to attach a specific cause to events, and can’t accept the randomness of the world.”
I’ve never really considered myself an ‘everything happens for a reason’ kind of gal so I don’t know why I’m having trouble with the randomness of the world thing. Something about TTC makes me yearn for order and control. I don’t know, I guess I flip flop a little here. On the one hand, I really want to believe that there will be a reason for yesterday’s flying shit storm like we’ll get pregnant next month and it will all make sense or someone will hand us a check for a million dollars because they feel bad we’re not pregnant yet - something! But after tangling through a thousand ‘what ifs,’ I think at the heart it’s just random shit luck. Again.
June 23, 2008
Tomorrow looks like it would have been a great day to inseminate - all of Fern’s fertility signs are lining up. It would have been great except that we can’t inseminate. We’re out for this cycle. Do you know why? Poop! Lots and lots of crap and pee. Our donor and his partner were on a plane home, ready to send us some sperm before fedex closed, however their plane did not arrive on time. Bad weather? Needed aircraft repair? No! The plane was diverted to a new airport shortly after takeoff and delayed three hours because the friggin toilets backed up and overflowed!
It sound entirely disgusting and smelly and unfortunate and I can’t help but find it a tad amusing. But still! There wasn’t even a big thunderstorm or something that delayed the plane. Nope, we don’t get to try this month because of a shit storm. There’s got to be a punch line here somewhere. Anyone?
