When I say, I never imagined we’d end up here, I don’t mean that I never imagined it would be hard to get pregnant. When we started, I was actually pretty sure it would be challenging to get pregnant (lack of sperm aside). In some ways I think Fern and I didn’t get upset over BFNs as quickly as some because we expected to put in a bunch of tries before it worked. But when I thought about a “long time” back in 2007, a year of ttc was the outermost limit of my imagination. A year. Worst case scenario, it will take a year for us to get pregnant. Intellectually, I knew that ttc could take longer than a year but my mind wouldn’t allow that fear in. I think that’s a good thing, really; three+ years is not something one should prepare for. You should just stumble upon three years after putting one foot in front of the other enough times.
Had we gotten pregnant with a healthy baby after a whole year of ttc, we’d have a toddler right now and the stories of our fertility pain would be muted by the smell of a bath-fresh baby and the joy and stress of our new lives. Had we gotten pregnant after a year, we would have still suffered but it would have been the kind of suffering with an end on the outermost limits of reasonable. Sitting in the throws of unreasonable, I know that we’ve been ttc for a very long time, but I also know stories of many more months, years, failures, gut-wrenching sorrow – the vast, empty space outside of unreasonable. I really do have to wonder if three is just cracking the surface, as one was just a tap.
Not to sound overly dramatic, but flipping the calendar page this month was shocking. I literally feel like I just picked out this calendar and hung it up. I feel like we just went home for xmas and just threw stones into the Atlantic. It was just new year’s. But now it’s nearly 2011, another whole year has rushed through my hands like water. If I let myself think about it, I’m terrified 2011 will be another 2008, 9 or 10. Each year goes a little faster and is filled with less hope and more desperation. I never imagined we’d end up here.
Oh my friend, this year will be better. Certainly the new paths are stressful (ivf and you getting tested) but you ladies are fighters. In the end, all the pain will fade as you are filled with love for your little one— he/she/ they are coming. How I wish though that your wait was already over.
I remember thinking it might take us 6 tries. I SO hope that 2011 will be your year. Really.
xxxx
There is no reasoning out of this ugly fact, but I believe Cindy: Soon the fresh pain of each successive BFN will be eclipsed by your awe and wonder (and stress) of raising that child that keeps you going, despite everything.
Thinking of you.
xoxo
I found your blog recently (perhaps by way of LFCA?) and am enjoying reading around. I’m a single mother by choice and have been trying for my second child for 2+ years now. (On the verge of calling it quits and moving to donor egg.) I’m in a similar state of disbelief; I, too, thought maybe a year at worst…
beautifully written…these days just turn into months and years too damn fast.
i believe 2011 will be different. ivf is a whole new world….
♥ ♥ hang in there….you are so close.
This year will be different. It must be. And, as AnOfferingOfLove says, IVF is a whole new world. (Now, stop me before I break into Disney.)
♥
Much love and warmth and light to you this holiday season.
Right there with you. And utterly terrified. Love you. xo
I wish I could take the terror away. I can only send love. I wish it was more, I really do.
If I was more creative I’d come up with a good cheer for 2011. I can so relate to all you say. It’s unbelievable to in that place when you realize just how much time has passed, and that even your wildest thoughts didn’t prepare you for this. I’m hopeful that IVF will bring your hope back.
It’s a heart-breaking read, and not one to easily “comment” on, though please know that I hope the next stage brings all that you wish for. You are deserving women.
All I can say is I am willing 2011 to be different. I echo the other ladies on IVF – it’s new territory and I pray it’s your answer. Big hugs!
hoping 2011 brings new results, luck, love and a bath-fresh baby.
xo mulberry
I wrote this same post a week or so ago. A couple days later I found out I was pregnant via our Hail Mary last-ditch TTC attempt. I hate it when people tell me it was the try where they relaxed when it happened, or the try when they’d given up hope, but it was true for me. I guess I’m just saying I hope you get the very long awaited happy ending that I did.
love you. waiting for it to be your turn.
What a beautiful and sad post that I relate to so much. Like you, I never really thought (outside of my secret fantasy thoughts) that we would conceive quickly and easily, but I thought 3-8 tries was a reasonable expectation. A year seemed like the most outside limits of suffering that I could expect.
There is a totally different pain between year one and future years. Totally different and wounding in a completely different way. Our reprieve didn’t come til the 2.5+ year mark, and that was after failing an ivf and losing a pregnancy. It is true that the pain starts going away, but I wonder about the people and parents we would have been if it had “only” taken us a year.
Sending love as always.