From: Olive
To: insertmetaphor@gmail.com
BCC: God (Yahweh, Allah, El), Jesus, Santa, Buddha, Brahman, Ishvara, Steve Guttenberg, Vishnu, The Stork, Mysterious Presence, Dido, Mother Goddess, Mother Earth, Aten, Ashley Olsen, Chthonic, Breksta, Pope Benedict, Oprah, Ed McMahon
Subject: One Baby

Dear Supreme and Powerful Ruler,

Fern and I would very much like one baby, please. As you know, this last try didn’t work. We would like our next insemination (number 7) to result in a healthy pregnancy and we would like that healthy pregnancy to result in a healthy baby. We are not concerned with the sex of the baby, any sex and gender combination is fine.

We would very much appreciate your speedy help in this matter. Perhaps you can expidite some paperwork? In exchange, Fern and I promise not to think bad thoughts about pregnant women, to call our mothers and to feed the baby daily. We have been very good this year.

Thank you very much, Powerful One. I am writing because I know you can help. It’s very nice of you.

With much love and respect,
Olive and Fern

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ETA: I sent this to Oprah later too. That was an oversight and I’ll add her to the list above. Excellent idea, tbean. I’ve left off Mary Kate because she doesn’t have the same powers and pizazz as her twin. Thanks for the suggestion, though, ciaochow.

ETA2: I’m going to have to draft another email and include Brian Boitano and David Hasselhoff (thanks strawberry - good catch) as well as Pat Sejac, who I realized I also overlooked, as well as Gerard Way and Lyn-z for Fern.

PS: what does it say about my life that I’ve been sitting here at work being like, ‘darn, i forgot Pat Sejac!’?