Insert Metaphor

This weekend one of the rulers (Oprah? God? Ty? Dido?) to whom I sent last week’s baby plea sent me and Fern a challenge.  If you remember we promised not to think bad thoughts about pregnant women in exchange for a baby.  At the wedding of our dear friends we encountered more than a pregnant woman, we encountered a pregnant woman who herself was full of hate.  Our friend who was getting married, L, has a brother who is the kind of Christian who thinks himself superior to non-Christians or non-like-him-Christians.  L warned us in advance that of all the people at the wedding her brother’s wife was the only one she was worried about being outwardly hostile to us.  She does not like homosexuals.  In fact, she doesn’t even like straight people who live together before marriage and suggested to L’s brother that they stop talking to L and her husband when they moved in together and were living in sin.

What else do I know about the sister in law?  She’s about 22 years old and she announced her brand new pregnancy the night before the wedding.  As family and friends arrived at the wedding she and her husband shared their news.  I overheard someone asking how far along she was and she said, “oh, I’m not sure exactly, about 6 weeks or so.”

Do you see how complicated this challenge is?  I was faced with a homophobic, young woman who uses her religion to judge others and who didn’t even know how far along in her pregnancy she was.  Fern and I were relieved that she wasn’t openly hostile to us - she did her best to ignore us all weekend and there was no drama.  But I’m not sure I succeeded in holding back all negativity in my head.  I thought it was an interesting exercise, though, and I did my best to not take her pregnancy as an insult.  I tried to think about how her pregnancy doesn’t mean that there are fewer pregnancies left for the rest of us.  As Rachel was just saying in her blog, no one deserves this and no one doesn’t deserve it - it’s just luck.  And I do think we’ll have our lucky day one day too.  I’m not sure I’ll become an all-loving, happy, altruistic TTCer, but it was nice to try to reframe my thinking a little at least for a weekend.

So, tomorrow’s the start of try #7.  Right now there’s some sperm flying over the US and it will hopefully be at our door by 8am Thursday.  We’re doing an insem tomorrow and one on Saturday.  I’m hoping for lucky #7.

We’re heading out of town tomorrow morning for a wedding and I don’t know if I’ll have any internet access all weekend.  We’ll actually see Sage there but it’s unfortunately too early for some wedding-based schnanegans.  We’ll have to get our donation in the mail next week.

Speaking of mail, we decided we’re going to getting a mailed sperm analysis done in a couple weeks to see how the swimmers fly.  I looked for a place to do this back in the fall but didn’t come up with anyone.  I just decided to ask at the sperm bank where we buy the shippers and they will do it.  It will be expensive but I think it’s worth it.  I’ve really been bothered by the thought that the mailers are killing the sperm or rendering them useless, so I’m very, very happy to get this done.  I think I’ll be able to relax more if we know for sure that the donations are good.

Thanks for all  your helpful suggestions on my letter yesterday.  I’m definitely adding Ty Pennington too - if this next cycle doesn’t work he can at least comfort me with my dream house.  Hopefully it will be the ticket.  Also, it’s good to know that some of you are enthusiastic breakfast eaters too.  Reading the posts makes me hungry.  I think I’m going to reintroduce breakfast smoothies into my life this summer.  That sounds good.

I’ll miss you all, my wonderful, supportive internet friends!  I hope you have nice long weekends!

From: Olive
To: insertmetaphor@gmail.com
BCC: God (Yahweh, Allah, El), Jesus, Santa, Buddha, Brahman, Ishvara, Steve Guttenberg, Vishnu, The Stork, Mysterious Presence, Dido, Mother Goddess, Mother Earth, Aten, Ashley Olsen, Chthonic, Breksta, Pope Benedict, Oprah, Ed McMahon
Subject: One Baby

Dear Supreme and Powerful Ruler,

Fern and I would very much like one baby, please. As you know, this last try didn’t work. We would like our next insemination (number 7) to result in a healthy pregnancy and we would like that healthy pregnancy to result in a healthy baby. We are not concerned with the sex of the baby, any sex and gender combination is fine.

We would very much appreciate your speedy help in this matter. Perhaps you can expidite some paperwork? In exchange, Fern and I promise not to think bad thoughts about pregnant women, to call our mothers and to feed the baby daily. We have been very good this year.

Thank you very much, Powerful One. I am writing because I know you can help. It’s very nice of you.

With much love and respect,
Olive and Fern

****************************************

ETA: I sent this to Oprah later too. That was an oversight and I’ll add her to the list above. Excellent idea, tbean. I’ve left off Mary Kate because she doesn’t have the same powers and pizazz as her twin. Thanks for the suggestion, though, ciaochow.

ETA2: I’m going to have to draft another email and include Brian Boitano and David Hasselhoff (thanks strawberry - good catch) as well as Pat Sejac, who I realized I also overlooked, as well as Gerard Way and Lyn-z for Fern.

PS: what does it say about my life that I’ve been sitting here at work being like, ‘darn, i forgot Pat Sejac!’?

This morning I got an email from Am*zon that said:

Am*zon.com has new recommendations for you based on items you purchased or told us you own. Among these items is “A Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Hosseini, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” and then this: Disposable Plastic Vaginal Speculums, Medium Size 10 Per Pack

How odd. In some ways, Am*zon knows me so well.

So, in other news, it’s not looking so good for this cycle. We’ve had 2 negative HPTs and this morning Fern’s temperature took a serious fall. We’re not happy people right now, either of us. We’re not technically out yet but it’s looking like we’ll be onto try #7 soon. I don’t have much to say about this. Here are some words, you can fill in the sentences: frustrated, annoyed, lost, angry, desperate, panicky, grumpy, hopeless.

Fern was in acupuncture back in the fall and winter but stopped going after her schedule changed. We’re going to try a new fertility-focused acupuncturist that someone recommended so maybe that will help with this try. We’re also working on getting Fern onto my insurance (a whole other nightmare) so that we can get some doctorly advice. These things give me a little umph but only a little.

Proverbial icing: Someone I didn’t know too well from high school just friended me on Facebook this morning. I was checking out her profile and pictures and learned that she is married (legally), owns a beautiful old home that she just finished renovating/modernizing, and, of course, is 4 months pregnant. And she’s 3 years younger than me. For all I know she struggled for months or years to get pregnant, and has faced a million trials in her life but I prefer to be bitterly jealous and assume it came easily to her and she doesn’t deserve it. From the photos it looks so easy.

You know what I love?  Breakfast!  You’ve probably noticed my toast-header image.  That’s what I eat just about every morning - 2 pieces of multigrain oat bread with earth balance along with caffeine free herbal “black” tea with soy creamer.  I wish I was eating that piece of toast right now.  In the winter I like steel cut oatmeal with maple syrup or brown sugar instead of toast but I eat toast most mornings of the year.  I like my ways.  I’m set in them.

Other delicious things to eat for breakfast include pancakes, waffles, french toast and muffins.  In conclusion, I love routines and bready carbs.

What do you eat for breakfast?

First of all, a big congratulations to J and S over at Incredible Adventures on their BFP. This is most exciting indeed. How long were you trying? I’ve only recently started reading your adventures so I don’t know how many tries it took. Here’s wishing you a healthy pregnancy!

I am becoming less and less patient with our TWW. This morning we got the bad news that Sage won’t be able to come out here for our next insemination as we’ve been planning so if this try doesn’t work, it’s back to fedex for us. I’m sad because I felt like an in-person insemination where Fern doesn’t have to travel would be the ticket. But I’m not so sure anything’s the ticket in this game.

Seeing S & J’s digital “pregnant” HPT did cause me to launch fantasies of getting a positive in our house in a few days and how I’d run to the drug store so we could have a urine-laced piece of plastic tell us in a word that we’re pregnant…and then take pictures of it. I think those pee sticks are strictly for the already-know-I’m-pregnant-and-happy-about-it crowd. I don’t think most people could use them casually and bear seeing “not pregnant” in real words. One line is bad enough. Boy do I want one, though.

I think because it’s Friday and a little slow at work it’s one of those days that I spend in baby fantasy world thinking about everything from the BFP to the baby. There are a lot of factors against us this time - sickness, travel, timing, lack of monitoring. But in the days before we start testing there’s still a world of possibility ahead. We might not be pregnant this month but we might be. I can’t help but hang onto that little bit of hope in spite of the negative factors. Reading about Stacey and Meg’s BFP (congrats to you too, by the way!) made me really happy - they were certain they weren’t pregnant and were waiting for Stacey’s period when they realized that Stacey’s temps had been high for 18 days and they tested and got a positive. I always get so discouraged after a few negative pregnancy tests, that I can hopefully focus on their story a little this time. Even when it looks bad you never know.

Speaking of Friday slacking, I do something I call calendar staring. I think this goes back to trying to create control, but almost every cycle I figure out the due date range using a due date calendar. Then I stare at the calendar with Fern’s cycle info on it. Then I manually count the weeks and end up with the same due date as the calculator (go figure). Then I count the trimesters. Then I think about what we’d be doing at each trimester (season, activity, travel) and what we’d have to do differently if Fern was pregnant. After I’ve done this I want to do it again a few days later. So with no counting left, I’ll just look and stare. I’ll think about the significance of the due dates and the conception date. I’ll think of the stories that we can tell our child about these months. It’s a lot of work, calendar staring. I should probably devote myself to my job like I devote myself to TTC.

I am so relieved Fern’s finally home from her trip!  As soon as she landed I became instantly happier and I feel like there’s so much more to look forward to everyday.  I’m hooked on my sweetie!  I’m also trying to ignore the TWW but instead I’m oscillating between hope and pessimism, reading into everything one minute, writing it all off the next.  Just your average TWW.  I think we’re going to test on Monday…

Inspired by Renee I took a few online versions of the Meyers Briggs test this morning.  Does it indicate a certain personality type when you take not one, not two, but four tests and compare the answers in a spreadsheet?  Just asking.  I got different results with the tests but I am most definitely, 100% an I, very strongly a J, pretty assuredly an F and kind of an N.  That’s INFJ with N the weakest.  Reading the descriptions though, that one seems like the best fit.

Post your type if you know it.  If you want to take a test, these 2 seemed like the best:

http://www.ithaca.edu/mathcs/LearnStyle/MyersBriggsTest.shtml

http://www.kisa.ca/personality/

The NPR story I referred to the other day is, “For Prospective Moms, Biology and Culture Clash.” The link gives a summary of the radio piece or you can listen to it. The piece generally focuses on the fact that as we age, women have a more difficult time getting pregnant. Never mind the fact that the story is completely focused on the experience of straight women, I also had a problem with how much blame, for lack of a better word, it puts on women in general for fertility problems. To my ears, the reporter, Brenda Wilson’s, tone came off as mournful for and a little judgmental of all the women squandering their fertile years. I generally think of NPR stories as pretty solid and thought-provoking, but this just seemed to fall short.

It starts off by citing that women are having babies later and later in life with the average now at 25 years old and more than a third of US moms not having their first baby until after 30. They profile a 25ish year old married woman who accidentally got pregnant and a 38 year old woman who started trying later in life and has “endured fertility treatments for the last 2 years.” They portray the 38 year old as angry and helpless and the 25 year old as lucky that she stumbled into the pregnancy.

They say that most women only have a “vague sense” of their biological clock as they make their way through their 20s and 30s. This is where Brenda Wilson’s tone grows increasingly regretful and it just seems like rubbish. It seems like a story focused on fear - trying to scare women into having babies while they’re young.

What really got me was when they said that a few years ago the American Society for Reproductive Medicine “tried to warn women” that they were waiting too late but women “just didn’t get it.” It seems so arrogant to say that women don’t understand the nuances of their own bodies and should plan their whole lives around optimal fertility regardless of their personal finances, maturity, career, relationships or any other factor. It’s nonsense to imply that women don’t understand the trade-off between having a child young and being potentially unprepared and having a child later and potentially having a hard time getting pregnant. Sure, some women might not realize this but I hardly think that there is a sea of women wandering through their 20s and 30s banking on a baby on try 1 at age 40. Maybe it’s not that women “just didn’t get it,” but do get it and choose to wait a few years anyway.

Towards the end of the piece they used my least favorite argument - set-in-stone, programmed biology. They say that socially women want one thing but biologically “we are programmed to do what we did when our human ancestors climbed down from the trees millions of years ago.” They say that back in the stone ages, women’s bodies didn’t mature and become child-bearing-ready until about age 20 which gave them about 10 years to experiment with sex and love before starting to have children. Again with the mournful tone they conclude, “nowadays young women are experimenting with sex and love in their 20s at the risk of losing out on motherhood.” It almost sounds like they’re advocating for girls to start having sex at 14 so that they can start having babies at 22.

They continue to say (like it’s a bad thing) that women aren’t marrying the boy from high school or college because they’re concerned now with getting a career first and this takes time, “time on the biological clock that cannot be recaptured.”

I don’t want to minimize anyone’s struggles with fertility problems and I don’t deny that fertility does decline with age, but this story seems to border on fear-mongering. Also, it gives no mention of male fertility and how it declines as well. Additionally, there’s no mention of environmental factors that impact fertility and how natural therapies can help. The one conclusion seemed to be that women need to have children younger and men and the world of work need to adapt - perhaps allowing women to work from home.

It’s possible I reacted strongly to this story because of where I am in my life and baby-making right now. I’m curious to know if anyone else has an impression.

Thanks for your kind comments yesterday.  Sage was successful last night - yay!  Fern and I chatted around 11pm her time and she was getting frustrated because Sage’s partner (who was going to ‘help out’ with the sperm collection) was trying to finish work and do laundry and Sage was falling asleep on the couch.  It sounds like it was a disorganized and stressful environment and Fern was stressed and frustrated.  But as we were chatting Sage suddenly got up and he and his partner went to the third floor to get it on!  Woo!  We chatted on the phone while Fern waited and then Sage’s partner came down after a little while with sperm!  What a relief!  Not only that but it was a lot more sperm than Tuesday’s batch.

Since they did the insemination so late last night they didn’t do the third one this morning.  But I don’t think it matters that much since the inseminations would have only been about 7 hours apart.  I mean, I’m always for as much sperm as possible, but I think this timing should still be good with this one.  Fern is due to ovulate today or tomorrow we think but she lost her thermometer in the travels so we don’t know.  I’m trying not to worry about that…

Did anyone else hear the NPR piece about infertility and women waiting too long to have babies?  It aired yesterday.  I had a lot of problems with it - perhaps I’ll blog about that tomorrow.

Frustration seems to be the theme. Our lovely, generous donor was so stressed about a work meeting this morning that he was unable to produce his donation. According to Fern it was awkward and he seemed to feel really bad but didn’t want to talk about it. Who can blame him? This whole process we’re so focused on what Fern’s body is doing but it’s not easy on Sage either. He’s done so much for us and it must be frustrating for him too that we’re not pregnant yet.

They’re going to try again tonight but I’m worried that this morning’s failure will give him more performance anxiety. I told Fern they should have a glass of wine at dinner. But Sage isn’t a big drinker so I don’t know if he’ll want wine. I’m not sure what this will mean for tomorrow morning’s planned insemination but I’ll be happy if we get two this round. Since it’s fresh the sperm should live long enough assuming our timing is right. I just hope we don’t only get the one donation from Tuesday since Fern’s not due to ovulate until tomorrow or Saturday.