Sara asked why my brother backed out of being our donor. I figured I’d answer in a separate post rather than in the comments - is that customary? What do you all do about comments? I feel weird not replying to comments but does anyone go back and look at a comment page on someone else’s blog after leaving a comment? I want to acknowledge comments but I don’t want to write a bunch of stuff no one will read.

Anyway, onto donors. For many, many years Fern and I have been planning our future children. We’ve always wanted her to carry the first one and we’ve always thought my brother would be a great donor. I don’t have a super close relationship with him - we see each other on holidays and email here and there during the year - so we’ve never discussed our plans and hopes with him over the years. After our wedding in 2006 we decided we definitely wanted to move forward with baby-making and we asked my brother in early 2007. We asked via email since that’s the only way I ever talk to him. After a few days he said yes, he didn’t see why not.

We talked over the next few months over email but he became less and less responsive. We had originally thought we’d do a direct donor thing where he would donate at a sperm bank and they freeze and quarantine the sperm. Then we learned about the buffer fluid and fedex shipping and thought that sounded much better and faster (and cheaper). I think having a monthly commitment (instead of about 3 times total with the sperm bank option) freaked my brother out and he just stopped replying to our emails. He never officially backed out - just expressed some reservations about being able to work in our schedule and then stopped emailing. We just decided to look for someone new to protect our sanity and feelings. We didn’t feel like we could trust him to be honest and it wasn’t something we wanted to push him on. Even if he was willing to donate we didn’t want him to be half-hearted about it. I’m still a little hurt that he backed out but I don’t regret our decision to move on.

So on we moved. Fern’s parents had new neighbors - a nice gay couple who were in their 40s. It was Fern’s mom’s idea to ask them. We didn’t know them well but liked them and it seemed like a good idea. I won’t go into the drama that ensued in total detail, but it did not go so well. Fern’s parents ended up telling the neighbors before we had a chance to ask them. They thought they were doing us a favor because we were so nervous to ask. It was a total disaster but probably for the best. If her parents were that inclined to meddle we didn’t need them living next door to our donor. However, it was really painful when the couple said no to us before we even had a chance to ask and tell them our vision for donating. Fern’s parents gave them a lot of false information - things we never discussed with them - and freaked them out. We then had the most uncomfortable fight with her parents ever. I don’t like fighting especially with someone else’s parents.

The very day of that awfulness we reevaluated Sage as a possible donor. We long felt he’d be the perfect donor but we had reservations because of his health history. Sage is a very close friend and would naturally play an uncle-like role with our kids anyway. He and his wife are just the people we’d want in our extended family. He’s also a good option because, unlike my brother, he can donate for both of us. So we asked that same night and they said yes instantly. We had to get some tests and do health history research before making it final but right away it felt like the right decision. We were so comfortable having the conversations with him - it didn’t feel like either of the last two options. The health history stuff is still a minor concern in the back of my mind but, honestly, once we evaluated it most of the family history stuff wasn’t necessarily genetic and it wasn’t any worse than some of the stuff in my own family history.

So here we are! Hopefully this is the end of our donor story and we won’t ever have to ask another man for his sperm.