Insert Metaphor

Because I was a little bored at work, I made an icon for Mayapalooza.  To quote Sara:

I just updated my blog roll on the side there to better reflect the blogs I’ve actually been reading.  Holy shit!  There are almost 50 blogs.  Please let me know if you don’t see your blog - I’m not sure I got them all.  I was apparently pretty random about which ones I added to wordpress too because I was missing about a dozen.

I’m impatient for the next insemination.  The last BFN left me feeling more depressed than they usually make me feel.  Or it’s lingered longer or something.  I’ve just felt down since then and on the verge of hopeless but not actually hopeless when I’m being logical.  I need some positive energy.  I’m excited about about our May party.  Sara, tbean and J.K.C. are all inseminating in May (or practically in May) too.  I want May to be our month - I’m ready for complete success across the board!  Is anyone else in for the party? MayStock? Mayapalooza?

Sara asked why my brother backed out of being our donor. I figured I’d answer in a separate post rather than in the comments - is that customary? What do you all do about comments? I feel weird not replying to comments but does anyone go back and look at a comment page on someone else’s blog after leaving a comment? I want to acknowledge comments but I don’t want to write a bunch of stuff no one will read.

Anyway, onto donors. For many, many years Fern and I have been planning our future children. We’ve always wanted her to carry the first one and we’ve always thought my brother would be a great donor. I don’t have a super close relationship with him - we see each other on holidays and email here and there during the year - so we’ve never discussed our plans and hopes with him over the years. After our wedding in 2006 we decided we definitely wanted to move forward with baby-making and we asked my brother in early 2007. We asked via email since that’s the only way I ever talk to him. After a few days he said yes, he didn’t see why not.

We talked over the next few months over email but he became less and less responsive. We had originally thought we’d do a direct donor thing where he would donate at a sperm bank and they freeze and quarantine the sperm. Then we learned about the buffer fluid and fedex shipping and thought that sounded much better and faster (and cheaper). I think having a monthly commitment (instead of about 3 times total with the sperm bank option) freaked my brother out and he just stopped replying to our emails. He never officially backed out - just expressed some reservations about being able to work in our schedule and then stopped emailing. We just decided to look for someone new to protect our sanity and feelings. We didn’t feel like we could trust him to be honest and it wasn’t something we wanted to push him on. Even if he was willing to donate we didn’t want him to be half-hearted about it. I’m still a little hurt that he backed out but I don’t regret our decision to move on.

So on we moved. Fern’s parents had new neighbors - a nice gay couple who were in their 40s. It was Fern’s mom’s idea to ask them. We didn’t know them well but liked them and it seemed like a good idea. I won’t go into the drama that ensued in total detail, but it did not go so well. Fern’s parents ended up telling the neighbors before we had a chance to ask them. They thought they were doing us a favor because we were so nervous to ask. It was a total disaster but probably for the best. If her parents were that inclined to meddle we didn’t need them living next door to our donor. However, it was really painful when the couple said no to us before we even had a chance to ask and tell them our vision for donating. Fern’s parents gave them a lot of false information - things we never discussed with them - and freaked them out. We then had the most uncomfortable fight with her parents ever. I don’t like fighting especially with someone else’s parents.

The very day of that awfulness we reevaluated Sage as a possible donor. We long felt he’d be the perfect donor but we had reservations because of his health history. Sage is a very close friend and would naturally play an uncle-like role with our kids anyway. He and his wife are just the people we’d want in our extended family. He’s also a good option because, unlike my brother, he can donate for both of us. So we asked that same night and they said yes instantly. We had to get some tests and do health history research before making it final but right away it felt like the right decision. We were so comfortable having the conversations with him - it didn’t feel like either of the last two options. The health history stuff is still a minor concern in the back of my mind but, honestly, once we evaluated it most of the family history stuff wasn’t necessarily genetic and it wasn’t any worse than some of the stuff in my own family history.

So here we are! Hopefully this is the end of our donor story and we won’t ever have to ask another man for his sperm.

I mentioned in my last post that April and I were on the rocks.  It’s officially over now.  It still burns but I’m going to get over it.  Since yesterday I’ve been eying May from across the room and it’s looking pretty fine.  I don’t want just a rebound thing.  I think May and I could have something good.  Something real good.

Fern’s getting on a plane in less than a week and she’s going to do this next insem in person.  I’m really glad for this because I don’t fully trust the sperm shippers and 30 second old sperm is always better than 12 hour old sperm.  I’m worried that her cycle will be wacky from the travel, though.  The last time we traveled to an insem (in December) we weren’t even sure she ovulated that month.  Also, I can’t go with her so I’m sad to be left out of this insemination entirely.

The good thing about Fern’s cycle is that she usually ovulates fairly early so as soon as we get the final bad news from the last cycle we have to start planning for the new one.  We usually do the first insemination on CD10 which is next week.  It gives me something new to focus on and helps with momentum and not spending a whole week like I spent yesterday: in a zero-energy, crashed-out, depressed lump either on couch, bed or chair in front of the computer.  Actually, we did some yard work yesterday too but I very much wanted to be in bed that whole time

Well it’s not 100% certain but it’s not looking so good for this cycle.  Fern’s been having lots of PMS symptoms, negative HPTs and today had a temperature drop.  I was really positive about April.  I’ve been happy this month what with the flowers and warmth and new life.  But April and I are through.  I don’t need a month that jerks me around.  April’s not even cute anymore.

Sara asked:

I would like to know more about how you and Fern met. Also, do your families know that you are ttc? If so, are they supportive?

Fern and I met in college. I saw her from across the green on my very first day of my first year and I was instantly obsessed. I thought she was beautiful and I quickly funneled my energies into growing a crush. I definitely conducted myself similar to how a 14 year old might conduct herself in regards to the crush - all my friends knew that I hearted Fern, I cut out Fern’s picture from the campus newspaper when she was interviewed and hung it in my dorm room, ahem…there might have been a poem in my journal about her, I watched her perform in her a capella group with stars in my eyes, I giggled with my friends when she’d walk near us. It was fun. Oddly, I can’t remember when we formally met, but it was sometime in the fall of 1996.

We didn’t start dating for a few years, though. You see, Fern was a fancy, cool senior when I was a first year and we never got to know each other while at college together. I hung onto my crush in a less obsessed way over the years, dated other people and figured the crush would fully fade one day. When I was a junior my college choir went on tour. We needed a little more umph so our conductor invited Fern to come on tour with us since she’s a very lovely, strong singer and was living nearby. That was January 1999 and we’ve been together ever since!

Both of our families know that we’re TTC and both are very, very excited. Fern’s mom is particularly excited and is pretty much ready to retire the second we give birth and move in with us and the baby. She’s been known to bounce a little while saying, “babybabybabybabybaby!!!” She’s even helping us out a little financially which is such a relieve especially since we don’t know how long we’re going to be trying. My mom was extra excited when we were going to use my brother as a sperm donor. I don’t think she’s disappointed with Sage but she’s less thrilled beyond believe now. She was really disappointed when my bro backed out (so were we!). We’re lucky to have such supportive families.

Thanks for you comments on yesterday’s post! Nutella and Sarah offered some questions to get my internet-soul-baring started. I’ll start with Nutella’s.

1. How many places have you lived in your life?

• Countries:basically the US only except that my family lived all over Europe for a year when I was 3-4. I don’t remember much of it or know all the countries off-hand, but we lived in Italy, England, Holland and France for a couple months each. We also either visited or lived in Andorra. I should check those facts with my mom. We sold our house in New York after my father retired and spent the year in Europe for no other reason then that my parents wanted to and could.
• States: New York, Virginia, Massachusetts and Colorado
• Homes: a lot..I’ll try to count. Not counting my toddler days in Europe or places I lived temporarily (a couple months or less, summer housing or dorms) I’ve lived in 14 houses - 9 as a child, 5 post-college.

2. What’s the longest and shortest you’ve ever been in one place?

• Longest: The house my mom, brother and I lived in from when I was 8 or 9 until I was 14.
• Shortest: I’m a little blurry on dates, but I think the house we stayed at for a few months when we first moved to what I consider my hometown in Massachusetts when I was about 6 or 7.

3. Which place did/do you like the most? The least?

• The most: I think I like our current house now. The only thing wrong with it, besides the fact that we rent, is that it’s cold in the winter and I really hate being cold. The amazing thing about our current house is it’s about to be the place Fern and I have lived in one place together the longest (we’re renewing our lease for year 3). It’s so wonderful not to move. I can’t wait until we buy.
• The least: I haven’t had many bad housing experiences, probably because I lived in the dorms in college and moved right in with Fern after college (avoiding bad roommate situations). I guess our apartment in Somerville where we lived a couple years after I graduated from college was the worst. It was very dark and I think Fern and I were both depressed that year. I think of the apartment as being permanently filthy and with a cloud hanging over. It wasn’t really that bad, I’m sure.

4. How have you chosen the places you live?

We moved here (to this state) because Fern is in grad school. I insisted on our current city, which is about a 30 minute commute for Fern, because it’s a bigger city and closer to jobs and real, non-university people. I found our current house on Craigslist after being kicked out of our last place because our jerky landlord sold it. I stalked our current landlord after we saw the house because it is such a beautiful place and relatively cheap for what we’re getting.

5. If you could live anywhere, where would it be, and why?

This is hard. I have different answers for different reasons. Like Nutella, I love, love, love New York. However, I don’t think we could happily live there without winning the lottery. Fern and I have a lot of stuff and we’re attached to it. We also aren’t particularly frugal so we’d have a hard time living somewhere quite so expensive. Plus, Fern only likes to visit and doesn’t think she’d like to live there. In many ways, Montreal is my perfect city (European-feel, walkable, bikeable, great public transportation, lots of vegetarian food, friendly people, historic and beautiful) but it’s hard to move to another country and the climate leaves much to be desired. Another answer is Northampton, MA. We lived there while I was in grad school and it’s such a comfortable, warm, lovely town. We both feel at home there. I’m not so sure I could be gainfully employed there so we’d need another wad of cash. I think my final and realistic answer would have to be Somerville, MA. It’s a great city and close to both of our families and many friends. That was the long answer.

Sarah asked:

What is your favorite thing to do when you are happy?

It’s safe to say that Fern and I are homebodies. I think my best feel-good activities are spending a Saturday baking bread or a dessert (probably a dessert), listening to fun music, working in the yard and eating dinner in front of the TV (a good show on DVD so no commercials or a movie from netfl1x) all with my sweetie.

Hey, if you’re reading, why don’t you fill out one or both memes too! Either leave your answers in a comment or post it in your own blog.

When I started this blog I spent some time thinking about the blogs I had been reading and why I liked them or what I didn’t like about them. I tried to come up with some posting guidelines to make my blog interesting to read. I’ve been kind of bad about following them. I don’t post too often and I think some of the info in here is a little boring. I’ve tried to avoid making this only an account of each and every TTC/baby step we take and I think I’ve only been partially successful.

One area that I’ve had the most trouble with is incorporating a sense of myself into my posts. I like knowing something about the blog author and I think I’ve had a hard time writing posts that allow my readers to get a sense of who I am. This is partly due to my own set-up; I’ve been purposely trying to make my identity vague to keep this journal from being a topic at the next family gathering. But I think I need to find a better balance - I don’t want this blog to be void of personality.

One thing I noticed reading my blogroll was that I could remember people better who had told me something about themselves - childhood stories, information about their relationship or partners, hopes, dreams and so on. A lot of the other blogs kind of blurred together in my head (they are writing on pretty similar topics, after all!). The best example of a blog whose author puts a lot of herself out there is Lesbian Dad, a blog in a class of its own. Other great examples are Arcane Matters, the egg dance, Judecorp and The Commune Child. These examples in no way constitute an exhaustive list - there are many other great blogs with great stories out there as well.

Well, I want people to remember me and read and comment so I’m going to try to make an effort to post more bits about my life. This is somewhat difficult for me for a number of reasons. First, as I mentioned, my Clark Kent identity could be foiled. But, truth be told, it’s a little foiled already so I’ll just have to accept that. Second, I’m a naturally shy person. It’s not in my nature to post my secrets on the internet and there are some topics that I’ll just never be comfortable posting about. I’m inclined to tell only a small few what’s really going on in my life. My old therapist once described me as a private person. That’s pretty accurate. But I think it’s good to try to break down that wall a little and put myself out there.

All that said, I don’t have an actual plan for what I’m going to post about. I figured if I posted about my goal then I’d be more likely to put it into action in the future. If any of you want to get the ball rolling and leave a question for me in the comments I’ll answer it in a new post.

In TTC news, it’s 10DPO and Fern took her first pregnancy test of the cycle this morning. Negative. I’m not devastated but I’m definitely disappointed. I’ve certainly lost touch with my positive feeling about this cycle.

My google reader is down to zero.  ZERO!  I can’t believe it.  I haven’t been all caught up since early March, maybe even late February.  I was up to about 500 after the trip and at about 225 just after this past weekend away.  I’m so incredibly excited though I did just waste a fair amount of work time achieving this goal.  I did some skimming but I read a surprising number of the posts.  Now I hope to resume thorough commenting practices.

Happy weekend!

Somehow I’m feeling very positive about this cycle.  I don’t know why.  Fern doesn’t have any pregnancy symptoms or even any made-up/maybe ones.  There are so many beautiful buds and flowers just starting to appear around these parts - our back yard is full of them.  It seems like a time for life and happiness and I know just the life I’d like to be happy about.