All Clear to Make a Thanksgiving Baby

The RE is ever-confusing.  Today’s scan showed several small cysts on both sides, but the RE said they’re normal and nothing to worry about.  But is it really normal to have cysts leftover after every cycle like this?  I mean, I’m grateful that he’s not worried and we can proceed – definitely grateful.  But I just feel like he never gives us quite all the information.  Also, every single time we’re there, someone says something completely bizarre-o.  Like today the nurse who was scheduling our next ultrasound said, “if your cycle is 26 days, then you ovulate on day 12 because 12+14 = 26.”  This right after we told her that Fern sometimes ovulates on the early side and her days vary.  And doesn’t everyone know that not everyone has a fixed luteal phase?  I know these formulas are helpful to make ballpark estimates, but she was telling us this like it was fact.

But I don’t want to sound unhappy – I’m pleased there were no big cysts and no one had their serious, let’s-discuss-our-options face on.  I’m just overly complainy these days.  Our next US is scheduled for a week from today.  We would have liked to come in on day 10, but that’s Thanksgiving, so we scheduled it for day 11.

In other news, last night Fern had acupuncture and found out that Cactus actually interned with R@nd1ne L3wis, the author of “The 1nfert1l1ty Cur3,” our new favorite author.  We kind of thought this might have been the case because way back in the day when Fern started seeing Cactus (around 6 months into TTC), Cactus mentioned it.  But we were so young and fresh-faced then, we didn’t care about Cactus interning with infertility experts, no, no (ETA: ok, we cared, but it just wasn’t the same level of memorable news as it is today).  And certainly didn’t remember their names.  But it makes me even more thrilled that we have Cactus in our lives.  We’ve always felt confident in her care, but this is just a nice boost to that.

Happy Friday to you!

Scans, Meds and Thanksgiving

For reasons too uninteresting/annoying to detail, we don’t have our baseline scan until tomorrow, CD4.  Let’s just say that what seem like simple requests when we speak them into our end of the phone turn into bureaucratic tangles when the sound of our voices reach the doctor’s office.  I don’t know why everything has to be so complicated.  But at least it’s ok.  Tomorrow we scan.  Please let the coast be clear!

We decided to do an unmedicated, monitored cycle this try for a number of reasons.

1. It seems pretty likely that the fertility meds messed with Fern and caused epic cysts that wouldn’t go away.  We like the idea of a rest cycle since we just did cl0mid.
2. We’ve never done a monitored, unmedicated cycle – could be informational.
3. We’re really into these Traditional Chinese Medicine fertility books and with all the diet/life changes Fern is making right now, it just feels right to let her body balance out for a while.

This cycle is a little nerve-wracking because Fern could ovulate right around Thanksgiving when the RE’s office is closed.  Eek.  It’s probable she won’t ovulate until after, but who can say anything for sure with this stuff?

Speaking of Thanksgiving, Fern and I developed a very exciting plan.  We decided against going back east because it’s such a hassle to fly now and then fly again at xmas time.  Neither of us felt much like inviting ourselves over to Fern’s classmate’s house and since Fern has all these dietary restrictions right now, it would have been a pain anyway.  Every year our city’s tourism bureau coordinates promotions around the holidays to get people into town.  One of them is hotel rooms for $50/night.  So we booked two nights (Wednesday and Thursday) at an adorable boutique hotel downtown where we’ll snuggle down, walk around town and ignore Thanksgiving entirely.  All for $100 (usually the rooms are around $150/night, so this is very exciting for my deal-finding side)!

I’m relieved we came up with something we’re so excited to do.  I was worried we were going to have a depressing Thanksgiving.  Hopefully that weekend will also involve a very exciting insemination!

At Least It’s Something

It’s officially CD1 here at the house of metaphors.

While I am most definitely not pleased with the low count on our last vial, I would like to give Pacific major points.  We found out today that we’ll get our $600 back for the low count vial.  We get the refund even though the vial was at the RE’s office for over 2 month.  They didn’t fight us for a minute about it, I never had anything but pleasant, normal-volume conversations with them and they were incredibly professional and sympathetic the whole time.  Looking for a friendly bank?  Pacific Repro.

Now I just wish I could swaddle that $600 into an adorable bundle, put a bonnet on it’s little head and love it like the baby we don’t have.  Alas…

Another One that Wasn’t

It’s looking like I’ll have to hold back my awesome BFP post at least another month.  We don’t have the ultimate confirmation yet, but we have 2 negative home tests and uninspired temps.  I guess we won’t be pregnant on our two year TTC anniversary.  What is the two year TTC anniversary theme, anyway?  The two year wedding anniversary is cotton, one year is paper.  I think the one year TTC anniversary could be the tissue and the two year the handkerchief?  I don’t know, I think hankies are kind of gross.  Maybe it’s the professional help anniversary or the bed covers anniversary.  What do you think?  Whatever we decide, send gifts accordingly, November 22nd.

I didn’t post about this at the time because I didn’t want to focus on the negative, but our IUI day wasn’t picture perfect.  The thawed sperm count was only 5.3m.  The RE said anything above 4.5m is considered ok, but, come on, 5.3 is pretty low.  I don’t know what happened – the last vial with this same donor, donated on the same day (meaning part of the same ej@c..u.late) was 19m.  I worry it’s because we had it stored at the RE for 2 months.  The good news is that P@cific has been great about it.  I called them the day after the IUI expecting a fight.  But the woman I talked to was extremely apologetic and sounded like she genuinely felt bad for what happened – it was an exceedingly pleasant conversation.  They guarantee 8m so it looks like we might get our money back – I didn’t even have to ask.  I still need to follow up with that and I suppose they could still say no (their lab was going to talk to the RE’s lab), but so far I’m impressed with how they’re handling this.

So that’s the update.  I’m feeling sad but mostly grumpy and frustrated…those emotions are weighing me down just the same.  In my heart, I’m working on wrapping up this maybe-baby’s story.  We won’t get to meet the one conceived in spite of a low sperm count as we laughed and cried on the exam table, filled with hope and fear.  The one we made right after a huge snow storm struck (but cleared in time to make all our appointments).  The maybe-baby who came just in time, after we had to take all those months off and had almost lost hope.  The one who would light up the terribly cold, short November days and bring a new meaning to thanks at our table next week.  Our third August mayby-baby.  The one that slipped into our lives just before two years.  I was ready for that maybe-baby.  Ready to tell these stories, make them into the story of our baby.  Ready for an end to the teariness and the waiting.

Strength for Today

Some days I have more strength than others.  Maybe it’s because I had to leave for work at 6:30 this morning, or maybe it’s more, but today is a little harder than yesterday.  I caught myself writing my BFP post in my head while I was making dinner and it made me so sad for all the BFP posts I’ve scripted over the years; not a one has made it onto this screen.  Some of them were such great posts, each one a beautiful dream.

This is Very Important

What do you think of my new boots?  I got them over the weekend and I’m wearing them today.  I wanted flat boots, but I didn’t find the exact style I was looking for.  I bought these anyway because we can’t always get what we want, can we?

Do I look like I’m trying to be a teenager?  You can be honest; I’ve suffered greater disappointment than boot buyer’s remorse.

ETA:

Heel view for Puffer (they’re still flat, just not the flat boots I had in mind):

Full outfit shot for Next in Line:

Mid-TWW Report

I’m still here.  Between a busy week at work last week and the start of National Blog All the Time Month, I’m very behind on my reader and that’s making it a bit harder to blog myself.  Here are a few updates…

I’m still meditating, though I’ve been slacking a little as of late.  I went to the group meditation class last week and mostly enjoyed it.  There was only one other participant in addition to the instructor and he bugged me a little.  He was one of those slightly smug, new-agey, know-it-all types.  But the teacher was much more grounded than I had feared and I really liked her.  Basically I had convinced myself prior to the class that the instructor and all the participants would be spaced-out, groovy, eye-contact-for-too-long, sing-songy voice types who were too deep in meditative thought at all times to make small talk and jokes and I would just feel incredibly awkward.  While the instructor had a few of those qualities, she had enough normal people-relating skills to make me feel better and she was a good teacher as well.  My favorite part of the hour was a moving meditation where we gathered energy and brought it toward us.

*****

As I mentioned briefly before, Fern and I are reading Fertility Wisdom by Angela Wu and The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis.  Both books are about enhancing fertility and overcoming infertility using Traditional Chinese medicine.  I’ve read more of Wu’s book so far, but I think I prefer Lewis’ – her tone is a little gentler and the book is more detailed.  We decided to read these books to help give us a refresher on a balanced fertility diet but they’ve been helpful in other ways too.

We do really well with food a lot of the time, but we’re very human and indulge in plenty of unhealthy habits depending on moods, weather and all of that human stuff.  It’s really helpful for us to have all the things we know we should be doing reinforced in a book – having guidelines laid out is great.  Cactus talks to us about food but she’s so nice and forgiving, it’s almost easier to apply the advice from a book.

So we’re trying to buckle down and get more serious – fewer halloween candy binges (ok, that’s only once a year, but it’s fresh in my mind!), more thoughtful eating.  Here’s what our diet looks like right now (I’m trying to do a lot of these things along with Fern because they’re good for me too, though I have slightly different rules):

• very little wheat, sugar and soy
• no dairy (not hard because we don’t eat dairy anyway)
• lots of vegetables, oats, rice and beans
• plenty of good fats
• occasional eggs (this is something that is temporary and feels a little weird since we’re vegan…I could say more on this later, but, yeah, mixed feelings)
• everything organic when possible
• nothing cold or raw – no salads or raw veggies, no cold water or foods right out of the fridge (this is a big deal for poor Fern who loves her ice cubes!)…we’re also trying to learn not to drink too much water during a meal.
• no caffeine or alcohol
• we’re also not eating meat because we won’t eat meat, though both books recommend against vegetarianism – oh well!

In Wu’s book she gives general fertility diet recommendations like no cold food, no sugar etc.  But in Lewis’ book, she goes a step further and has you take a quiz to diagnose your internal imbalances and then has food and other recommendations based on your imbalanced areas (for example, I have a kidney yang deficiency so I need to eat warm things).  We’re a step ahead since we’ve been learning some of this from Cactus for a while, but it’s still fun to piece together the formula.  Today I made gluten-free, vegan, agave-sweetened pumpkin muffins and they’re good too – hell yeah!

Both books are chock full of miracle stories – women who have been through infertility hell and then go on to conceive effortlessly and naturally after following the recommendations.  We’re not naive enough to think that these books and diet changes will change everything and we’ll get pregnant right away.  But the stories are inspiring and it’s good to take in some of the hopefulness.  The TCM approach to infertility is to balance the whole body, rather than zeroing in on a particular hormone number or other diagnosed problem.  It’s a very appealing approach especially given that no fertility doctor has ever diagnosed Fern with a problem.  Now that we’ve moved onto the RE, drugs and IUIs, it feels especially important to take in the messages of these books.  They’re about putting your body in balance and taking ownership of your medical care – eastern or western.

*****

We’re half way through the TWW now.  It’s the point where my early hopefulness fades a bit and my pessimism tries to take over.  I had a major pre-menstrual breakdown over the weekend, but I’m feeling ok now.  The ups, the downs.

Try 23, IUI 2

This day is getting away from me, but I wanted to post a quick report on our IUI this morning.  It was actually very touching and lovely despite the sterile exam room crowded with too many people.  After we fetched our sample from the office, we took it down to the basement where my new favorite person, J the lab tech, cheerfully defrosted our vial.  We read from Fertility Wisdom while we waited.  Have any of you read this book?  We’re finding it helpful and I think we’re both in a place to soak up the advice right now.

On the elevator ride back up, we held our precious sample tight to keep it warm.  And we continued to keep it close in the waiting room.

Dr. Giggles performed the insem and he brought with him a very nice nurse we hadn’t met yet and a resident.  The three of them politely stood at Fern’s feet and I stayed beside her, holding her hand.  The actual insemination was over before we knew it had started.  We were all discussing the dearth of trick or treaters this year and then without a topic change he was pulling the speculum out.  I would have liked to know he was inseminating and not have been discussing candy volume at the moment, but at least it was fast and painless.

Giggles and his entourage left us alone after that and Fern and I held each other tight and instructed the sperm where to swim.  I felt warm and happy.  We both have so much hope for this try – scary hope, Fern called it.

I reluctantly headed to work and Fern went off to Cactus and her needles.  And now we wait.

Triggered Up

Fern’s bloodwork yesterday showed no surge, so we triggered last night for an early morning insem Monday.  Even though I was incredibly nervous all evening (during our Buffy marathon), I felt confident and ready when the alarm went off.  Giving Fern the shot actually wasn’t so bad.  I think it’s easier to shoot her in the butt than in the stomach because I can’t see her face.  I made her mix it so I didn’t have to worry about that and giving the shot and I was happy to see how easily the needle pierced the skin and was very relieved that I didn’t hit a blood vessel (I might have passed out had that happened).

Buffy was much more enjoyable after the shot!

We don’t get many trick or treaters in our neighborhood, but we turned off the porch light during the shot just in case.  It would have been pretty scary to see Fern mixing up the shot in a nice, long needle behind me at the dining room table.  Hey kids, enjoy the candy!

Tomorrow’s the big day.  We have to get there at 7:30 – ugh – to wait for the sperm to defrost.  I think insem will be around 8:15 or so.  We are ready to welcome our baby with open arms and open hearts.

The Other Kind of Tears

Happy tears!

The ultrasound seemed to go well this morning.  There isn’t a way to definitively say whether we saw follicles or the old cysts, but the RE seemed to think the follicles looked new, meaning they wouldn’t be cysts.  He was cautious with what he told us though, stressing that there’s really no way to tell for certain.  The definitely good news is that all of the follicles are on the right side – nothing but a tiny follicle on the left – and a week ago there was a large cyst on the left.  So at least we know that one of the cysts shrank or disappeared.  Hopefully the others did as well.  There were two good-looking follicles on the right, around 20 and 22 and a smaller one and Fern’s lining was picture perfect.

We did a blood draw today that showed good estrogen but not surging levels and have another tomorrow (at 7am!).  If there’s a surge tomorrow, we’ll inseminate on Sunday morning and if there’s no surge, we’ll trigger and insem on Monday morning.  We scheduled acupuncture for Saturday and Monday morning to hopefully help our chances.  We’re hoping that Fern’s bloodwork shows she’s ovulating on her own so we can avoid the trigger shot.  We did 0vidrel twice at the old RE, but this place uses the one you have to mix yourself (scary) and shoot into your butt instead of stomach (scary).  Fern has a big sharpied X on her butt where I’m supposed to stick her…eek.

We’re both feeling increible relief.  Even after we were cleared to try this cycle, I still felt on edge like something could go wrong at any minute.  But now it’s looking pretty definite that we’ll inseminate and that is a very good thing indeed.

In addition to the good news on the scan, Fern has been feeling like her body is finally getting back to normal this cycle – better period, good cervical fluid, temps that make sense.  These things have been absent the last two cycles.  I’m so proud of her for all the hard work she’s put into getting her body back on track.  She’s been avoiding sugar, caffeine, soy (a big deal for vegans), has been getting regular exercise, taking her vitamins and herbs, doing castor oil compresses, mixing essential oils for fertility, doing lots of acupuncture and reflexology and perhaps the hardest one, trying to relax through yoga and journaling.  She’s an amazing woman and I’m so grateful for everything she’s doing to make our baby.

(Oh, and the other exciting thing about today’s appointment is that there were other lesbians in the waiting room!  It’s the first time we’ve seen another same sex couple at either RE!  Woo!)