Where I rant about the NPR story

The NPR story I referred to the other day is, “For Prospective Moms, Biology and Culture Clash.” The link gives a summary of the radio piece or you can listen to it. The piece generally focuses on the fact that as we age, women have a more difficult time getting pregnant. Never mind the fact that the story is completely focused on the experience of straight women, I also had a problem with how much blame, for lack of a better word, it puts on women in general for fertility problems. To my ears, the reporter, Brenda Wilson’s, tone came off as mournful for and a little judgmental of all the women squandering their fertile years. I generally think of NPR stories as pretty solid and thought-provoking, but this just seemed to fall short.

It starts off by citing that women are having babies later and later in life with the average now at 25 years old and more than a third of US moms not having their first baby until after 30. They profile a 25ish year old married woman who accidentally got pregnant and a 38 year old woman who started trying later in life and has “endured fertility treatments for the last 2 years.” They portray the 38 year old as angry and helpless and the 25 year old as lucky that she stumbled into the pregnancy.

They say that most women only have a “vague sense” of their biological clock as they make their way through their 20s and 30s. This is where Brenda Wilson’s tone grows increasingly regretful and it just seems like rubbish. It seems like a story focused on fear - trying to scare women into having babies while they’re young.

What really got me was when they said that a few years ago the American Society for Reproductive Medicine “tried to warn women” that they were waiting too late but women “just didn’t get it.” It seems so arrogant to say that women don’t understand the nuances of their own bodies and should plan their whole lives around optimal fertility regardless of their personal finances, maturity, career, relationships or any other factor. It’s nonsense to imply that women don’t understand the trade-off between having a child young and being potentially unprepared and having a child later and potentially having a hard time getting pregnant. Sure, some women might not realize this but I hardly think that there is a sea of women wandering through their 20s and 30s banking on a baby on try 1 at age 40. Maybe it’s not that women “just didn’t get it,” but do get it and choose to wait a few years anyway.

Towards the end of the piece they used my least favorite argument - set-in-stone, programmed biology. They say that socially women want one thing but biologically “we are programmed to do what we did when our human ancestors climbed down from the trees millions of years ago.” They say that back in the stone ages, women’s bodies didn’t mature and become child-bearing-ready until about age 20 which gave them about 10 years to experiment with sex and love before starting to have children. Again with the mournful tone they conclude, “nowadays young women are experimenting with sex and love in their 20s at the risk of losing out on motherhood.” It almost sounds like they’re advocating for girls to start having sex at 14 so that they can start having babies at 22.

They continue to say (like it’s a bad thing) that women aren’t marrying the boy from high school or college because they’re concerned now with getting a career first and this takes time, “time on the biological clock that cannot be recaptured.”

I don’t want to minimize anyone’s struggles with fertility problems and I don’t deny that fertility does decline with age, but this story seems to border on fear-mongering. Also, it gives no mention of male fertility and how it declines as well. Additionally, there’s no mention of environmental factors that impact fertility and how natural therapies can help. The one conclusion seemed to be that women need to have children younger and men and the world of work need to adapt - perhaps allowing women to work from home.

It’s possible I reacted strongly to this story because of where I am in my life and baby-making right now. I’m curious to know if anyone else has an impression.

 

The sperm has landed

Thanks for your kind comments yesterday.  Sage was successful last night - yay!  Fern and I chatted around 11pm her time and she was getting frustrated because Sage’s partner (who was going to ‘help out’ with the sperm collection) was trying to finish work and do laundry and Sage was falling asleep on the couch.  It sounds like it was a disorganized and stressful environment and Fern was stressed and frustrated.  But as we were chatting Sage suddenly got up and he and his partner went to the third floor to get it on!  Woo!  We chatted on the phone while Fern waited and then Sage’s partner came down after a little while with sperm!  What a relief!  Not only that but it was a lot more sperm than Tuesday’s batch.

Since they did the insemination so late last night they didn’t do the third one this morning.  But I don’t think it matters that much since the inseminations would have only been about 7 hours apart.  I mean, I’m always for as much sperm as possible, but I think this timing should still be good with this one.  Fern is due to ovulate today or tomorrow we think but she lost her thermometer in the travels so we don’t know.  I’m trying not to worry about that…

Did anyone else hear the NPR piece about infertility and women waiting too long to have babies?  It aired yesterday.  I had a lot of problems with it - perhaps I’ll blog about that tomorrow.

 

Frustrated

Frustration seems to be the theme. Our lovely, generous donor was so stressed about a work meeting this morning that he was unable to produce his donation. According to Fern it was awkward and he seemed to feel really bad but didn’t want to talk about it. Who can blame him? This whole process we’re so focused on what Fern’s body is doing but it’s not easy on Sage either. He’s done so much for us and it must be frustrating for him too that we’re not pregnant yet.

They’re going to try again tonight but I’m worried that this morning’s failure will give him more performance anxiety. I told Fern they should have a glass of wine at dinner. But Sage isn’t a big drinker so I don’t know if he’ll want wine. I’m not sure what this will mean for tomorrow morning’s planned insemination but I’ll be happy if we get two this round. Since it’s fresh the sperm should live long enough assuming our timing is right. I just hope we don’t only get the one donation from Tuesday since Fern’s not due to ovulate until tomorrow or Saturday.

 

Insemination day

My mom came into town over the weekend so I was offline for a few days. We had a mostly good visit. No time with my mother is stress-free, but the nagging and guilt trips were generally at a minimum and we did some major sight seeing. I had to remind myself a lot and have Fern remind me as well that my mom’s disordered relationship with food is not a commentary on me - not about me at all. Still, it’s hard to spend time with someone who is constantly beating herself up for everything she eats (which happens to be everything I eat too since we’re together). If she’s binging by eating a whole noodle dish from the Chinese restaurant then I must be too. It’s frustrating but didn’t ruin the visit. The relative peacefulness of her visit is partly due to a little heavenly place I like to call the Happy Hotel. My mom usually stays with us but this time she sprung for a lovely, nearby hotel. She could nap there and go for a couple hours while we had time to ourselves. It was just what we all needed!

The same day my mom left Fern got on a plane to donor-town. I have been feeling incredibly sad about her leaving and was especially clingy and mopey while we spent our last day together before the trip. I haven’t quite come down off my sadness from the last cycle and I hate being away from Fern for more than a day or two. So, poor me!

Today is the first of three insemination days. Fern’s going over to Sage’s house in a few minutes and they’re going to have dinner and maybe do some baking before the insemination. I’m happy they’re inseminating but I’m a bit nervous and frustrated. First of all, I hate being so far from the action. Second, we haven’t had a text book “perfect” cycle since we started. There hasn’t been one cycle when all the ovulation signs matched up, knocked on our door, told us it was time and we inseminated at the obvious right moment. Each one has been a fuzzy ‘I guess that was right’ kind of timing. Furthermore, Fern’s has had more colds and fevers than I can remember her ever having and so she’s been sick or getting over being sick during a lot of the tries (which makes temping really hard).

I was hoping this would be our perfect cycle since Fern started out with nice, low, predictable temps. But as soon as she got off the plane yesterday she got what seems to be a stomach virus and was out of commission all day yesterday. I was already worried about her cycle adjusting to the travel since last time she traveled we think it threw off ovulation. But now this? Come on, universe! Can’t a couple of girls and a donor get a break? She’s feeling a little better today so I’m crossing my fingers that all will be ok. But I’m pretty annoyed at the situation. I’m sure my annoyance is rooted in the fact that I’m in even less control than usual this cycle since I’m stuck out here at work. Alas…nothing to do but wait and see.

 

Mayapalooza

Because I was a little bored at work, I made an icon for Mayapalooza.  To quote Sara:

 

May fever

I just updated my blog roll on the side there to better reflect the blogs I’ve actually been reading.  Holy shit!  There are almost 50 blogs.  Please let me know if you don’t see your blog - I’m not sure I got them all.  I was apparently pretty random about which ones I added to wordpress too because I was missing about a dozen.

I’m impatient for the next insemination.  The last BFN left me feeling more depressed than they usually make me feel.  Or it’s lingered longer or something.  I’ve just felt down since then and on the verge of hopeless but not actually hopeless when I’m being logical.  I need some positive energy.  I’m excited about about our May party.  Sara, tbean and J.K.C. are all inseminating in May (or practically in May) too.  I want May to be our month - I’m ready for complete success across the board!  Is anyone else in for the party? MayStock? Mayapalooza?

 

Our donor journey

Sara asked why my brother backed out of being our donor. I figured I’d answer in a separate post rather than in the comments - is that customary? What do you all do about comments? I feel weird not replying to comments but does anyone go back and look at a comment page on someone else’s blog after leaving a comment? I want to acknowledge comments but I don’t want to write a bunch of stuff no one will read.

Anyway, onto donors. For many, many years Fern and I have been planning our future children. We’ve always wanted her to carry the first one and we’ve always thought my brother would be a great donor. I don’t have a super close relationship with him - we see each other on holidays and email here and there during the year - so we’ve never discussed our plans and hopes with him over the years. After our wedding in 2006 we decided we definitely wanted to move forward with baby-making and we asked my brother in early 2007. We asked via email since that’s the only way I ever talk to him. After a few days he said yes, he didn’t see why not.

We talked over the next few months over email but he became less and less responsive. We had originally thought we’d do a direct donor thing where he would donate at a sperm bank and they freeze and quarantine the sperm. Then we learned about the buffer fluid and fedex shipping and thought that sounded much better and faster (and cheaper). I think having a monthly commitment (instead of about 3 times total with the sperm bank option) freaked my brother out and he just stopped replying to our emails. He never officially backed out - just expressed some reservations about being able to work in our schedule and then stopped emailing. We just decided to look for someone new to protect our sanity and feelings. We didn’t feel like we could trust him to be honest and it wasn’t something we wanted to push him on. Even if he was willing to donate we didn’t want him to be half-hearted about it. I’m still a little hurt that he backed out but I don’t regret our decision to move on.

So on we moved. Fern’s parents had new neighbors - a nice gay couple who were in their 40s. It was Fern’s mom’s idea to ask them. We didn’t know them well but liked them and it seemed like a good idea. I won’t go into the drama that ensued in total detail, but it did not go so well. Fern’s parents ended up telling the neighbors before we had a chance to ask them. They thought they were doing us a favor because we were so nervous to ask. It was a total disaster but probably for the best. If her parents were that inclined to meddle we didn’t need them living next door to our donor. However, it was really painful when the couple said no to us before we even had a chance to ask and tell them our vision for donating. Fern’s parents gave them a lot of false information - things we never discussed with them - and freaked them out. We then had the most uncomfortable fight with her parents ever. I don’t like fighting especially with someone else’s parents.

The very day of that awfulness we reevaluated Sage as a possible donor. We long felt he’d be the perfect donor but we had reservations because of his health history. Sage is a very close friend and would naturally play an uncle-like role with our kids anyway. He and his wife are just the people we’d want in our extended family. He’s also a good option because, unlike my brother, he can donate for both of us. So we asked that same night and they said yes instantly. We had to get some tests and do health history research before making it final but right away it felt like the right decision. We were so comfortable having the conversations with him - it didn’t feel like either of the last two options. The health history stuff is still a minor concern in the back of my mind but, honestly, once we evaluated it most of the family history stuff wasn’t necessarily genetic and it wasn’t any worse than some of the stuff in my own family history.

So here we are! Hopefully this is the end of our donor story and we won’t ever have to ask another man for his sperm.

 

May I?

I mentioned in my last post that April and I were on the rocks.  It’s officially over now.  It still burns but I’m going to get over it.  Since yesterday I’ve been eying May from across the room and it’s looking pretty fine.  I don’t want just a rebound thing.  I think May and I could have something good.  Something real good.

Fern’s getting on a plane in less than a week and she’s going to do this next insem in person.  I’m really glad for this because I don’t fully trust the sperm shippers and 30 second old sperm is always better than 12 hour old sperm.  I’m worried that her cycle will be wacky from the travel, though.  The last time we traveled to an insem (in December) we weren’t even sure she ovulated that month.  Also, I can’t go with her so I’m sad to be left out of this insemination entirely.

The good thing about Fern’s cycle is that she usually ovulates fairly early so as soon as we get the final bad news from the last cycle we have to start planning for the new one.  We usually do the first insemination on CD10 which is next week.  It gives me something new to focus on and helps with momentum and not spending a whole week like I spent yesterday: in a zero-energy, crashed-out, depressed lump either on couch, bed or chair in front of the computer.  Actually, we did some yard work yesterday too but I very much wanted to be in bed that whole time

 

Screw you too, April

Well it’s not 100% certain but it’s not looking so good for this cycle.  Fern’s been having lots of PMS symptoms, negative HPTs and today had a temperature drop.  I was really positive about April.  I’ve been happy this month what with the flowers and warmth and new life.  But April and I are through.  I don’t need a month that jerks me around.  April’s not even cute anymore.

 

Fern + Olive

Sara asked:

I would like to know more about how you and Fern met. Also, do your families know that you are ttc? If so, are they supportive?

Fern and I met in college. I saw her from across the green on my very first day of my first year and I was instantly obsessed. I thought she was beautiful and I quickly funneled my energies into growing a crush. I definitely conducted myself similar to how a 14 year old might conduct herself in regards to the crush - all my friends knew that I hearted Fern, I cut out Fern’s picture from the campus newspaper when she was interviewed and hung it in my dorm room, ahem…there might have been a poem in my journal about her, I watched her perform in her a capella group with stars in my eyes, I giggled with my friends when she’d walk near us. It was fun. Oddly, I can’t remember when we formally met, but it was sometime in the fall of 1996.

We didn’t start dating for a few years, though. You see, Fern was a fancy, cool senior when I was a first year and we never got to know each other while at college together. I hung onto my crush in a less obsessed way over the years, dated other people and figured the crush would fully fade one day. When I was a junior my college choir went on tour. We needed a little more umph so our conductor invited Fern to come on tour with us since she’s a very lovely, strong singer and was living nearby. That was January 1999 and we’ve been together ever since!

Both of our families know that we’re TTC and both are very, very excited. Fern’s mom is particularly excited and is pretty much ready to retire the second we give birth and move in with us and the baby. She’s been known to bounce a little while saying, “babybabybabybabybaby!!!” She’s even helping us out a little financially which is such a relieve especially since we don’t know how long we’re going to be trying. My mom was extra excited when we were going to use my brother as a sperm donor. I don’t think she’s disappointed with Sage but she’s less thrilled beyond believe now. She was really disappointed when my bro backed out (so were we!). We’re lucky to have such supportive families.