New Sorrow Is Like Old Sorrow

I’ve been here before and it’s as familiar as the fallen snow.

Not pregnant, 24th edition.  The one that should have worked.

Old Hopes Are Like New Hopes

In November 08 I went to a choral concert with Fern (Fern’s a conductor – we go to a lot of these!).  It was a few days before we did our first insemination with our second KD, shortly before our one year TTC anniversary.  We were full of hope and anticipation about the donor change.  It was our 13th try and I remember feeling really drawn to that number and really positively about the cycle we were starting.

One of the songs the choir performed used the text of a poem by Genevieve Taggard.  I ripped the poem out of the program and tucked it into my wallet.  As I was rooting through my wallet today, I found the poem, folded up and hiding in the back.

Lark (1940)
Genevieve Taggard

O Lark, from great dark arise!
O Lark of Light, O Lightness like a spark,
Shock ears and stun our eyes singing the dayrise,
The great dayrise!
O Believer, Rejoicer, Say,
O Lark, alert, Lark, rise!
Where no Sun is, Come loudly in the air!
Let ear and eye prepare to see and hear,
truly to see and hear!
Singer, fair, so fair!
O Lark, alert. O Lark, alive.
O lovely, chanting arrow lark.
Sprung like an arrow from the bow of dark.
Sing the dayrise. The great dayrise. Ah!

It was November, the weather was changing and as the cold crept up and the darkness settled in, earlier and earlier each day, it felt so much like our little Lark was coming.  She would be springing like an arrow from the bow of dark, bringing warmth and joy and light to the chilly autumn days.  She would signal the dayrise after our long, hard night.  I kept the poem, in part, so that when we got pregnant that cycle, I could call her Lark and one day paste the creased paper into her baby book.

Our lovely Lark didn’t come that November or over all the days following as winter settled in, melted into spring, swelled into summer and then emptied into fall again.  But these days have a similar feeling – dark and cold – and even though we’ve been through so much disappointment this year, I’m still preparing myself for this light.  I’m ready for that warmth that only pure joy can bring.  We’re still waiting for you, my Lark.

Am I The Only One Who Does This?

About once or twice a month, I sit in front of my computer, my mind wandering, and I find myself racking my brain for a google search term that will answer this nagging, open question I have.  When I catch myself, I realize the question I’m trying to google an answer to: “are we pregnant?”  I don’t know if this makes more of a statement about my symbiotic relationship with the googles, or my obsessive relationship with TTC.  Either way, it’s mildly disturbing.

ps, If any of you have discovered these search terms, please let me know.

pps, check out my new header.  I took the picture and Fern photoshopped it for me.

Too Much Winter Already

Holy hell, it is cold.  We have been having unseasonably bitter cold, snowy weather lately and, I have to say, it’s making me miserable.  I realize, cold weather is not the end of the world, but I get mighty grumpy when I’m cold and our house is poorly insulated.  Today my office has been freezing too – grr.  I’m jealous of all of you in milder climates.

This is what our upstairs window looked like two days ago when I went up to meditate.

The weather is good for one thing though: decorating our tree.  Fern and I are two xmas-loving atheists.  So, we decided the tree this year is a Secular Humanist Bush.  Isn’t it pretty?

Don’t mind the mess in the living room.

We also have a special tree that we bring out some years – this one is upstairs.

It’s 9dpo and we’re trying to stay hopeful about this cycle.  But it’s a heavy hope – I don’t think either of us feel like this is the one.  However, I’m ready to be wrong.

Wow

Remember my fertile, baby-toting boss? I just had the nicest conversation with her about ttc.  I’m feeling a little stunned.  It’s safe to say that if you charted our TTC timeline and my work productivity, it would look something like this.

Ok, I don’t think I was ever operating at a full 10, but you get the gist.  So, today I had a general work check in with my boss.  We haven’t had one in a while and I did not have a lot of completed tasks to show her.  Since my boss knows we’re ttc, I’ve thought about having a conversation with her for a while about ttc and stress and my work.  Somewhat randomly, as I muddled through my work updates, I decided that today was the day.  I think I was motivated in part by my shame over my lousy work output and in part over breaking the silence over what I’m going through (I haven’t told her anything about ttc since before she gave birth in April).

Anyway, the conversation went amazingly well.  My boss was incredibly supportive – much more so than I had expected.  She said she worried about me all the time when she brought the baby in.  She didn’t want to ask me about it because she didn’t want to make me uncomfortable, but she was really concerned having the baby there was like salt in my wounds.  Perhaps she’s also reading my blog because she asked really specifically how I was doing and said it must be a whole different set of stress for me as the NGP – not getting acknowledged by doctors and others as someone dealing with this difficult thing as well.  She also acknowledged how it must be hard when friends get pregnant and give birth.  We traded notes on the doctors and nurses at the RE’s office and she told me if I ever need to go to the doctor or deal with things during work time, we can work it out.  She said she understood that for lesbians, getting pregnant can be like a full-time job and that she knows how hard it is to juggle the appointments and the stress and worry.  Basically, she said everything that she should have.

My boss is nice but can be hurried and tends to interrupt and talk over people.  But today she was just understanding and kind.  And work feels like a slightly friendlier place to be right now.

We’re Feeling Splurgy

We decided to go with two IUIs this time so we’re back to the RE tomorrow.  I’m not sure we’re going to make a habit of the double insem (if only sperm grew on trees…), but we figured since we got a free vial this time and Fern had a strong instinct to try it, it was a good time for 2.  Fern had a strong OPK this morning but not as clearly positive as yesterday.  Even without a definite positive, we feel good about the decision.  As many of you commented on my last post, it’s nice to put our minds at ease.

Today’s insem was great.  It was very quiet at the RE’s and Dr. Giggles wore a plaid (possibly flannel) shirt with a puffy down vest over it.  Have I mentioned how much I love this doctor?  I felt like we were inseminating in a log cabin in Vermont (which, oddly enough, is a good thing).  He said that Fern’s cervix position and mucus looked perfect and the insem was very easy and fast.

I printed out this diagram and stuck it on the fridge so we can picture what’s happening each day in Fern’s body.

After the insem we picked up some eggs, walnuts, pineapple, dried cherries, coconut milk and lentil soup for our day of movie watching.  Cactus said Fern should watch happy movies after ovulation so we rented Gr0undh0g Day and Elf.  We basically spent the whole day watching movies in bed except for a couple breaks for Fern’s acupuncture and a gentle walk.

Go zygote, go!

Put Baby Here

We have had a happy few days!  I’m going to bullet it out:

• I cut a lot of my hair off on Wednesday.  Well, a nice, qualified professional cut it off.  I love it!  I had been growing it out for the last year and a half and I forgot how much I like it short.  The new look has put me in a fabulous mood.
• Wednesday and Thursday at the hotel were a lot of fun.  And I don’t mean crazy, partying fun.  I’m talking about lounging, crafting and tv watching fun.  It was wonderful.
• We saw F@nta@stic Mr. F0x today (an 11am showing – hell yeah) – it was a very sweet movie.  I was surprised by how much I loved it.
• Today was our day 11 ultrasound and before going in Fern got a STRONG positive on a regular test and a smiley face on the digital.  This made us (a slightly muted version of) giddy in the hotel bathroom at 6am.  The BW showed a surge too.
• The ultrasound was probably our happiest and least problematic yet.  Dr. Giggles got stuck with the day-after-T-giving shift so he was there and very excited to know that we had followed his advice and are doing an unmedicated cycle.  He said Fern’s uterus looked fabulous – 9mm lining and a nice, home-grown 28mm follicle on the right side.
• As Dr. Giggles started to pull the monitor out, he put it back in for a second, pointed to Fern’s uterus on the screen and said, “we should put a sign right here that says: put baby here.”  I’m a big fan of this doctor.
• We’re scheduled to get to the RE tomorrow at 7:45 to defrost Phlox’s swimmers and insem!  We’re debating right now whether to do a second insem on Sunday as well.  That would mean one at 24 and one at 48 hours past positive OPK.  We weren’t necessarily planning to use two vials this cycle but we mailed them both to the RE to save on shipping so we do have the option.  It might be a waste of money since she’ll probably have ovulated by Sunday, but it might help our odds/make us feel better.  We’re going to see if Fern is still surging tomorrow morning and, if so, consider the second insem.  What would you do?  Any advice for/against using two vials?

I’ll leave you with a couple of pictures.  I didn’t take any of the hotel room itself, but Fern took this one of me looking out the window with bed head.

Here’s our Thanksgiving meal – fake turkey, mashed potatoes, gluten-free stuffing, green beans and gluten-free, vegan, agave-sweetened crumb cake.  There’s usually a LOT more sugar and wheat in our Thanksgiving meal, but this was actually good and really satisfying (and, trust me, I’m typically a roll, stuffing and pie maniac).  Fern did the cooking and I did the baking.  We tried to stay on track for the recommended pre-ovulation foods from the book.  Fern even added some rosemary to the potatoes because that’s supposed to be good for her liver (the liver is important during cycles changes – menstruation and ovulation).  We didn’t want to go without the traditional meal, but didn’t want to spend forever cooking either – this was a nice, reasonable amount to make.  And for the first Thanksgiving probably ever, I only ate enough to make me regular full, not beyond-imagination full, for better or for worse.

Today was an outstandingly gorgeous day.  After spending the early part in the doctor’s office and movie theater, I went for a nice walk while Fern was in acupuncture.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  I’m thankful for so much.  For my beautiful Fern, for the life we have, our friends, family and cats.  For the joy we share and the hope we have.  And for each one of you; whether I know who you are or not, I’m so glad you’re here.

The Otherness

There sure is a lot of waiting in TTC.  I’m anxious for Fern’s scan on Friday to see how she grows that egg without the fertility meds.  I have high hopes for our little eggy.  She’s been doing really well with the TCM changes and has been feeling great.  Her chart is looking wonderful too.  She’s added spirulina and royal jelly to her daily vitamins, minerals and supplements, bringing the total pills/day up to 14,000,086.

As Fern makes all these positive changes, lately I’ve been thinking about my role in all of this.  I feel (and always have) 100% connected to the process of making our baby together with Fern.  As TTC time marches on, though, my role feels a little ambiguous some days.  When Fern becomes pregnant, I’ll be the non-gestational mother to be.  When she gives birth, we’ll both be the pumpkin’s parents.  But right now?  Right now I’m a little odd.  Because Fern and I are a unit, it’s very much like we-as-a-unit are having fertility problems.  But it’s really only Fern who is subjected to the tests, wandings and prodding.  If I can’t make an appointment, if I have a beer after work, if I am emotionally spent, it has little impact on our ability to conceive.

For the most part, I’ve felt very included by all the doctors, nurses and others along the way.  But when I’m feeling insecure or cranky, as I seem to be feeling lately, sometimes I feel just the slightest bit like I’m not all that important here.  Last week I had acupuncture on CD1 and I told Cactus that Fern wasn’t pregnant.  After saying that she was sorry, her first question was, “how is Fern doing?,”  ie, her first question was a completely appropriate, caring, normal question.  But I just felt this tiny, hard to define sting for a few seconds.  Why didn’t Cactus ask me how I was doing???  Why doesn’t my pain matter? My head just jumped to this spot, thinking that Cactus was implying that the only one who would be hurt by this was Fern or, perhaps, that Fern would be hurting worse than me.  I know this isn’t what she was implying at all.  I’ve felt similar, really small stings at the RE’s office.  I don’t even think they’re always from something the doctor or nurse says – just my perception of myself on the sidelines in the exam room.

I don’t know why this is coming up lately, but right now I’m just slightly sensitive to the real or perceived idea that I am not an equal player – equally as important, equally as hurt when tries fail, equally as equal.  The reality, of course, is that we’re not equal here and I’m not trying to pretend that we’re having the very same experience.  The important piece is that my feelings and experience navigating this are as important.  The reality is also that Cactus, the doctors and nurses and Fern herself have all gone out of their way to acknowledge that I am important.  This isn’t really about them, it’s about me and my insecurities.

I just wish I was more critical to conception because if I was, there would be more that I could do to help.  It’s hard to feel like I can’t make this better.  I want to be able to take the burden off Fern as much as I can.  But there’s also another aspect too that’s lurking quietly below.  I have a fear that people won’t appreciate the pain I’m in and I think I get a little preemptively defensive about it sometimes.

The thing is, I have no control over the way people currently or will in the future inevitably judge us, rank us and compare our value as parents or parents-to-be.  I have to find security in my own role, my own damn self.  Usually I’m there; some days I don’t quite close the circle.

All Clear to Make a Thanksgiving Baby

The RE is ever-confusing.  Today’s scan showed several small cysts on both sides, but the RE said they’re normal and nothing to worry about.  But is it really normal to have cysts leftover after every cycle like this?  I mean, I’m grateful that he’s not worried and we can proceed – definitely grateful.  But I just feel like he never gives us quite all the information.  Also, every single time we’re there, someone says something completely bizarre-o.  Like today the nurse who was scheduling our next ultrasound said, “if your cycle is 26 days, then you ovulate on day 12 because 12+14 = 26.”  This right after we told her that Fern sometimes ovulates on the early side and her days vary.  And doesn’t everyone know that not everyone has a fixed luteal phase?  I know these formulas are helpful to make ballpark estimates, but she was telling us this like it was fact.

But I don’t want to sound unhappy – I’m pleased there were no big cysts and no one had their serious, let’s-discuss-our-options face on.  I’m just overly complainy these days.  Our next US is scheduled for a week from today.  We would have liked to come in on day 10, but that’s Thanksgiving, so we scheduled it for day 11.

In other news, last night Fern had acupuncture and found out that Cactus actually interned with R@nd1ne L3wis, the author of “The 1nfert1l1ty Cur3,” our new favorite author.  We kind of thought this might have been the case because way back in the day when Fern started seeing Cactus (around 6 months into TTC), Cactus mentioned it.  But we were so young and fresh-faced then, we didn’t care about Cactus interning with infertility experts, no, no (ETA: ok, we cared, but it just wasn’t the same level of memorable news as it is today).  And certainly didn’t remember their names.  But it makes me even more thrilled that we have Cactus in our lives.  We’ve always felt confident in her care, but this is just a nice boost to that.

Happy Friday to you!

Scans, Meds and Thanksgiving

For reasons too uninteresting/annoying to detail, we don’t have our baseline scan until tomorrow, CD4.  Let’s just say that what seem like simple requests when we speak them into our end of the phone turn into bureaucratic tangles when the sound of our voices reach the doctor’s office.  I don’t know why everything has to be so complicated.  But at least it’s ok.  Tomorrow we scan.  Please let the coast be clear!

We decided to do an unmedicated, monitored cycle this try for a number of reasons.

1. It seems pretty likely that the fertility meds messed with Fern and caused epic cysts that wouldn’t go away.  We like the idea of a rest cycle since we just did cl0mid.
2. We’ve never done a monitored, unmedicated cycle – could be informational.
3. We’re really into these Traditional Chinese Medicine fertility books and with all the diet/life changes Fern is making right now, it just feels right to let her body balance out for a while.

This cycle is a little nerve-wracking because Fern could ovulate right around Thanksgiving when the RE’s office is closed.  Eek.  It’s probable she won’t ovulate until after, but who can say anything for sure with this stuff?

Speaking of Thanksgiving, Fern and I developed a very exciting plan.  We decided against going back east because it’s such a hassle to fly now and then fly again at xmas time.  Neither of us felt much like inviting ourselves over to Fern’s classmate’s house and since Fern has all these dietary restrictions right now, it would have been a pain anyway.  Every year our city’s tourism bureau coordinates promotions around the holidays to get people into town.  One of them is hotel rooms for $50/night.  So we booked two nights (Wednesday and Thursday) at an adorable boutique hotel downtown where we’ll snuggle down, walk around town and ignore Thanksgiving entirely.  All for $100 (usually the rooms are around $150/night, so this is very exciting for my deal-finding side)!

I’m relieved we came up with something we’re so excited to do.  I was worried we were going to have a depressing Thanksgiving.  Hopefully that weekend will also involve a very exciting insemination!